Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 21: Positives

Feeling positive today internet people.

Why you may ask?

Well this weekend, me and my wife (the MIGHTY Rosie) tackled the gargantuan task of sorting our bedroom and we did, by moving it next door and give our son (the Irrepressible SGM) a larger bedroom. We kept at it the whole day and I now sleep in a room with all my wardrobes and drawers as well as glow in the dark stars.

It’s been a rough week in work, but have kept at it, got lots done and kept going no matter what. Have had two gym sessions this week and on incline walks alone climbed 1,000 ft. I have also beat my press up record and since I was last weighed, lots 12lbs. The things that bring me down are very much still there, but I had some wins this week. Got another of my A-Z posts done and more than anything else, am feeling good about things.

I know I am struggling, I know that this fight isn’t over, but weeks like this, they remind me that it’s a fight that I can win. I am a lucky man, I have a job (not always an easy thing to keep the way the economy is) that I often enjoy. I have a wife who loves me, because of myself and in spite of myself, she is nothing less than my northern star, as long as I can see her, I can find my way home. I am also a father and realise the blessing that it is. There are fears, panics, stresses and frustrations that are at times overwhelming, but I see him and realise that it’s all worth it.

I feel positive today, still in work, still stuff to do, still too far from the weekend, but I am positive.

I’m lighter, happier and more focused than I was this time last week and I am looking forward to the weekend, but not because I won’t be at work.

See you soon internet people, have a day’s arse to kick.

 

Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 20: Long Week, but a good one

Hi there all.

It’s been a long and tiring week, with gym, college and a somewhat awkward parents evening. (When the teacher says she feels like she’s being attacked, maybe you’ve come on too strong) Work is mental, but well within what I am capable of handling.

The weekend fast approaches and it yet, it still feels a long way away, every feels like so much more of an effort to do anything. So the easy thing is to be unhappy, or down or one of the other things that get in the way of enjoying life, instead though I am going to find my five. Five positives from this week, that will keep the positivity I am trying to foster going a bit longer.

1: My son is doing really well in school, his marks were all in the excellent category.

2: Boss was away today,which was nice.

3: My wife is awesome ( no surprises there with the MIGHTY Rosie).

4:I found my portable DVD player, so enjoying some Tokusatsu at lunchtimes before I go for a walk.

5: I have really enjoyed my college lessons on writing. More on that story later.

There are reasons why I would feel down, but today I refuse to yield and be down. Today I embrace the weekend.

Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles

Feelings on Friday 19: I can see happy from here, like in the distance

Hey there internet people.

This week has been one of harsh truths, harsh words and the realisation that the battle remains uphill. Last week (    ) I mentioned losing my shit with my son. I won’t lie am ashamed of that. It led to a distance between my wife and I, which could only be crossed by emotional open-ness and objective assessment of how I feel. I like neither of those things.

Words were shared, tears were shed, but I feel better for it all. We got out of the habit of sharing our confusion, so if I haven’t know what to say, I’ve said nowt. This is frustrating to all how care about me.

The Truth, in its unpleasantness is that I am still struggling, not to battle my depression, but overcome it, to live the life that I deserve to be able to live. I’m coping, not thriving, surviving, not living. So by suggestion, knowing that while I don’t always have good ideas, I can always recognise them…… I’m going back into therapy.

This week has been positive in many respects, so I need to keep that going, make a good week a normal week.

As always, I am here and moving forward because of the love, support and at times affectionate haranguing of my amazing wife (The MIGHTY Rosie) because when I have had no fight in me, she has fought for me.

Just a quick one for now, will be back soon

 

TTFN

Posted in Shared Stuff

One in three

violetonlineisonline

I was asked recently what defined me.

And I did not need to think of an answer.

I am a woman.

And it is now more than ever that women need to stand together. Rape culture is at an all time high.

Apparently one out of every three woman in South Africa has been or is abused.

And following the fuck awful mad disgusting abusive and beyond words despicable Donald Trump, it seems the stats are the same, if not worse, worldwide.

One in three.

Women have been sending their stories in to Twitter. Frightening, unbelievable, every day stories of sexual abuse, emotional and physical.

Thousands of stories.

I’ve told my stories too.

A dentist put his hand on my breasts when I was twelve. My mother caught him and yanked me out the chair.

We kept quiet about it.

A man put my hand on his penis as I…

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Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 18: A Trivial Golden Age

I am an unrepentant geek, I have comics by my feet, a comics tee-shirt next to them and an obscure comic character on my right arm. These are facts.

I am also very aware of the golden age of geekery we are living in. There are 7 big screen comic book movies this year. Yeah, that’s right 7. DC comics have 5 network shows that aren’t animated. Plus two vertigo based ones, marvel have one too, plus 3 excellent netflix series.

That’s a lot of new content, but the reason I call this a golden age isn’t that. It’s the sense of nostalgia. Think of a famous cartoon from your childhood, think of a list of them. Now, from that list deduct any that haven’t had a dvd release, TV reboot or movie remake. Shorter list isn’t it?

On YouTube, you can watch old cartoons, or videos about them. Last week I read a new comic about MASK, I know, M.A.S.K. who even remembers them?

Half of it is a cynical cash grab from millenials, the other is a need for comfort. But it’s also nice that all these stories that changed and in some cases enhanced our lives are open to be shared. In my first post,https://misfitmunky.wordpress.com/2014/08/06/5-comics-that-changed-my-life/

I mentioned my first comic, I recently found a copy and Wednesday night, read it with my son. We are living in a geek golden age, we should use it, to inspire the next generation, to dream and to imagine. I was walking with him home one day this week and all we did was come up with ideas for his ‘Reptile Rangers’ super sentai type characters with a lizard/snake theme. If the geeky among play this right, we could create a geeky silver age and really get some fun ideas out there.

I like many of the geeky, live in our own little worlds sometimes, we owe it to share them. Who knows where it could lead. Someone introduced a budding film-maker to 1930’s Flash Gordon serials and Akira Kurasawa, we got Star Wars out of it.

 

So when you are on t’internet all butt-hurt because there’s an all female Ghostbusters film, or how a casting choice ‘ruins’ your childhood, remember this. It’s not about your childhood, but the childhood of the people who are currently having one. The things you love are still there, so go get them and share them. If you are of  the opinion that ‘things were better when I were a child’ then PROVE IT. Share this readily accessible embarrassment of riches. I told my son that the original Transformers the Movie was better than the more recent Michael Bay ones, put  that on and he loved it. So internet people, lay off the hate. We won, all the entertainment we could possibly want is at our finger tips whenever we want it.

 

 

Ta Ta for now internet people

Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 17: Only Forward

My Wednesday writing course was cancelled for this week, in place of it, my wife (The Mighty Rosie) and I went to dinner by ourselves, a rare treat. I would love to say we enjoyed it. The food was terrible and we were both not in a fantastic head space. My wife then went into a long conversation about me not being happy and what I should be doing, or am not doing. It’s not a great feeling, when you think you are doing ok and then you’re told you are not. It’s deflating to say the least.

It came from a place of love and her trying to help, nothing she said could be fact checked into being entirely wrong, but it did sort of feel like having my flaws and lack of personal growth just being listed. Are harsh truths necessary? Yes. Do they help? Often. Did I enjoy this particular litany of failings? No, as you can imagine.

It’s been a rough month or two, work has only got busier, pressure is more on than before and my boss took half of last month off. Am trying not to carry that stuff home, but to be honest, it’s there. There’s so much I have to do there too. I don’t feel like there’s every half an hour to think, where I am not too exhausted or burnt out to do it.

Last night I got some. There’s stuff I need to do here, I think maybe I need to see someone on a regular basis, after finishing my last bout of therapy (the first that has ever done any sort of good) I’ve been wondering what to do next, maybe wondering too long, spinning my wheels sort of thing.

I have plans, ideas about what to do next. Things I should have already been doing.

This morning did not start well, my son was getting a carry downstairs and then let go on the stairs. Kinda lost my s**t there. Then was the whole refusing to dress and throwing clothes at me thing. Sort of lost my s**t again (I’m clearly not the hero in this story, I accept that) with my wife downstairs, I took the chance to get myself ready away from everyone and then return, calm and ready and sort things out in a calm and rational manner. As I was doing so, my wife waded in and well, to be honest I didn’t always enjoying being a child, feeling like one now, doesn’t do it for me.

I need to be doing better than this.

It’s hard, it really is some days and I forget that.

Each day is a fresh battle, each morning, all the s**t in my head and on my plate step into the ring ready to battle. I’m not always so ready, and it’s not always just me who suffers. I have my feet planted and am ready to start round two. I’ve stuff to make up for now, people to be better for.

I’m not writing this to share as much as  I want it out of my own head. I hate days like this, when all you feel is what you aren’t and the outside world only sees the wrong you do. I am judging myself and am being judged on two minutes with my son and not the hour or so we were happy and jokey with one another afterwards, or the ticklefest we had once we’d made friends.

 

Posted in Shared Stuff

Being myself 

samanthaalexia

Hey lovelies, I figured I have been too erotic these past days. So today I will talk about being yourself. Self discovery.

In 2013, I came to England from South Africa. My confidence level was so high and I was as sassy as fuck but When I went to high school, that ended. I was bullied. The ideal beauty from Africa was different from the ideal beauty in this mainstream country. So I lost myself. Totally. Long story short, I started writing and within each book I wrote I was becoming a different person, then when I started writing erotica my level of confidence heightened. I realised I was as sexy as fuck, any of these bitches who bullied me had nothing on me. My fat ass was something they didn’t have, huge tits and thick lips, it was something they all didn’t have. And guess what? I was…

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