Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 21: Positives

Feeling positive today internet people.

Why you may ask?

Well this weekend, me and my wife (the MIGHTY Rosie) tackled the gargantuan task of sorting our bedroom and we did, by moving it next door and give our son (the Irrepressible SGM) a larger bedroom. We kept at it the whole day and I now sleep in a room with all my wardrobes and drawers as well as glow in the dark stars.

It’s been a rough week in work, but have kept at it, got lots done and kept going no matter what. Have had two gym sessions this week and on incline walks alone climbed 1,000 ft. I have also beat my press up record and since I was last weighed, lots 12lbs. The things that bring me down are very much still there, but I had some wins this week. Got another of my A-Z posts done and more than anything else, am feeling good about things.

I know I am struggling, I know that this fight isn’t over, but weeks like this, they remind me that it’s a fight that I can win. I am a lucky man, I have a job (not always an easy thing to keep the way the economy is) that I often enjoy. I have a wife who loves me, because of myself and in spite of myself, she is nothing less than my northern star, as long as I can see her, I can find my way home. I am also a father and realise the blessing that it is. There are fears, panics, stresses and frustrations that are at times overwhelming, but I see him and realise that it’s all worth it.

I feel positive today, still in work, still stuff to do, still too far from the weekend, but I am positive.

I’m lighter, happier and more focused than I was this time last week and I am looking forward to the weekend, but not because I won’t be at work.

See you soon internet people, have a day’s arse to kick.


Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 20: Long Week, but a good one

Hi there all.

It’s been a long and tiring week, with gym, college and a somewhat awkward parents evening. (When the teacher says she feels like she’s being attacked, maybe you’ve come on too strong) Work is mental, but well within what I am capable of handling.

The weekend fast approaches and it yet, it still feels a long way away, every feels like so much more of an effort to do anything. So the easy thing is to be unhappy, or down or one of the other things that get in the way of enjoying life, instead though I am going to find my five. Five positives from this week, that will keep the positivity I am trying to foster going a bit longer.

1: My son is doing really well in school, his marks were all in the excellent category.

2: Boss was away today,which was nice.

3: My wife is awesome ( no surprises there with the MIGHTY Rosie).

4:I found my portable DVD player, so enjoying some Tokusatsu at lunchtimes before I go for a walk.

5: I have really enjoyed my college lessons on writing. More on that story later.

There are reasons why I would feel down, but today I refuse to yield and be down. Today I embrace the weekend.

Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles

Feelings on Friday 19: I can see happy from here, like in the distance

Hey there internet people.

This week has been one of harsh truths, harsh words and the realisation that the battle remains uphill. Last week (    ) I mentioned losing my shit with my son. I won’t lie am ashamed of that. It led to a distance between my wife and I, which could only be crossed by emotional open-ness and objective assessment of how I feel. I like neither of those things.

Words were shared, tears were shed, but I feel better for it all. We got out of the habit of sharing our confusion, so if I haven’t know what to say, I’ve said nowt. This is frustrating to all how care about me.

The Truth, in its unpleasantness is that I am still struggling, not to battle my depression, but overcome it, to live the life that I deserve to be able to live. I’m coping, not thriving, surviving, not living. So by suggestion, knowing that while I don’t always have good ideas, I can always recognise them…… I’m going back into therapy.

This week has been positive in many respects, so I need to keep that going, make a good week a normal week.

As always, I am here and moving forward because of the love, support and at times affectionate haranguing of my amazing wife (The MIGHTY Rosie) because when I have had no fight in me, she has fought for me.

Just a quick one for now, will be back soon



Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 18: A Trivial Golden Age

I am an unrepentant geek, I have comics by my feet, a comics tee-shirt next to them and an obscure comic character on my right arm. These are facts.

I am also very aware of the golden age of geekery we are living in. There are 7 big screen comic book movies this year. Yeah, that’s right 7. DC comics have 5 network shows that aren’t animated. Plus two vertigo based ones, marvel have one too, plus 3 excellent netflix series.

That’s a lot of new content, but the reason I call this a golden age isn’t that. It’s the sense of nostalgia. Think of a famous cartoon from your childhood, think of a list of them. Now, from that list deduct any that haven’t had a dvd release, TV reboot or movie remake. Shorter list isn’t it?

On YouTube, you can watch old cartoons, or videos about them. Last week I read a new comic about MASK, I know, M.A.S.K. who even remembers them?

Half of it is a cynical cash grab from millenials, the other is a need for comfort. But it’s also nice that all these stories that changed and in some cases enhanced our lives are open to be shared. In my first post,

I mentioned my first comic, I recently found a copy and Wednesday night, read it with my son. We are living in a geek golden age, we should use it, to inspire the next generation, to dream and to imagine. I was walking with him home one day this week and all we did was come up with ideas for his ‘Reptile Rangers’ super sentai type characters with a lizard/snake theme. If the geeky among play this right, we could create a geeky silver age and really get some fun ideas out there.

I like many of the geeky, live in our own little worlds sometimes, we owe it to share them. Who knows where it could lead. Someone introduced a budding film-maker to 1930’s Flash Gordon serials and Akira Kurasawa, we got Star Wars out of it.


So when you are on t’internet all butt-hurt because there’s an all female Ghostbusters film, or how a casting choice ‘ruins’ your childhood, remember this. It’s not about your childhood, but the childhood of the people who are currently having one. The things you love are still there, so go get them and share them. If you are of  the opinion that ‘things were better when I were a child’ then PROVE IT. Share this readily accessible embarrassment of riches. I told my son that the original Transformers the Movie was better than the more recent Michael Bay ones, put  that on and he loved it. So internet people, lay off the hate. We won, all the entertainment we could possibly want is at our finger tips whenever we want it.



Ta Ta for now internet people

Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 17: Only Forward

My Wednesday writing course was cancelled for this week, in place of it, my wife (The Mighty Rosie) and I went to dinner by ourselves, a rare treat. I would love to say we enjoyed it. The food was terrible and we were both not in a fantastic head space. My wife then went into a long conversation about me not being happy and what I should be doing, or am not doing. It’s not a great feeling, when you think you are doing ok and then you’re told you are not. It’s deflating to say the least.

It came from a place of love and her trying to help, nothing she said could be fact checked into being entirely wrong, but it did sort of feel like having my flaws and lack of personal growth just being listed. Are harsh truths necessary? Yes. Do they help? Often. Did I enjoy this particular litany of failings? No, as you can imagine.

It’s been a rough month or two, work has only got busier, pressure is more on than before and my boss took half of last month off. Am trying not to carry that stuff home, but to be honest, it’s there. There’s so much I have to do there too. I don’t feel like there’s every half an hour to think, where I am not too exhausted or burnt out to do it.

Last night I got some. There’s stuff I need to do here, I think maybe I need to see someone on a regular basis, after finishing my last bout of therapy (the first that has ever done any sort of good) I’ve been wondering what to do next, maybe wondering too long, spinning my wheels sort of thing.

I have plans, ideas about what to do next. Things I should have already been doing.

This morning did not start well, my son was getting a carry downstairs and then let go on the stairs. Kinda lost my s**t there. Then was the whole refusing to dress and throwing clothes at me thing. Sort of lost my s**t again (I’m clearly not the hero in this story, I accept that) with my wife downstairs, I took the chance to get myself ready away from everyone and then return, calm and ready and sort things out in a calm and rational manner. As I was doing so, my wife waded in and well, to be honest I didn’t always enjoying being a child, feeling like one now, doesn’t do it for me.

I need to be doing better than this.

It’s hard, it really is some days and I forget that.

Each day is a fresh battle, each morning, all the s**t in my head and on my plate step into the ring ready to battle. I’m not always so ready, and it’s not always just me who suffers. I have my feet planted and am ready to start round two. I’ve stuff to make up for now, people to be better for.

I’m not writing this to share as much as  I want it out of my own head. I hate days like this, when all you feel is what you aren’t and the outside world only sees the wrong you do. I am judging myself and am being judged on two minutes with my son and not the hour or so we were happy and jokey with one another afterwards, or the ticklefest we had once we’d made friends.


Posted in Talking on a Terrible Tuesday

Talking on a Terrible Tuesday 2: Sisyphus and the huge f***ing rock of positivity

Hey there internet people

I am being positive today, taking everything in my stride and doing all I can to remain the smile on my face. It was a suggestion by my wife (The MIGHTY Rosie) as she is currently being the positive light her under-morale staff are flocking around. I’ll be honest, being positive is difficult.

My wheelhouse is more of the pessimistic optimist. I expect things to go badly and when it doesn’t, am pleased as punch. Sadly that doesn’t look too cheerful from the outside. I envy the perky people in the world, with the same passion I once hated them.

Work is a nightmare at the moment and as a result, am not going to think about it right now. Instead am going to look at the things that made me smile this weekend.

On Saturday, my little boy (the Irrepressible 6 year old, if you know me, you know his name) stayed at his grandparents. My mother and father have their flaws, but to be honest, their devotion to my son, does make up for a lot of them. While he was harassing them to point of needing a drink, playing Frustration 60 times and watching the most inane of TV, me and the wife got pampered at the Portland Spa in Southport.

If you ever get the chance, go. It’s a fantastic place with great staff, we got a neck, shoulders and back massage, had a three course meal which was f***ing gorgeous and then a facial and scalp massage. I’ll be honest, I’m not a fan of the scalp massage, but the Mighty Rosie loved it. We left feeling chilled, pampered relaxed and happier than we’ve been in a while. We went home, and relaxed in front of the TV. Which leads me to …….Luke Cage, the Netflix series. Spoilers>



I like TV shows you can binge watch, I have enjoyed the more recent Marvel TV shows and I especially love the lesser appreciated comic characters. So to be honest, there was no way that Luke Cage wasn’t ideal for me. It was exactly what I had hoped. There was pretty much every nod to the comics, Seagate Prison, Rackham, Noel Burnstein, Claire Temple (A welcome return appearance by Rosario Dawson) and Misty Knight. We even got old school Cage villains Cottonmouth, Shades, Black Mariah and Diamondback. This was in addition to a more nuanced and modern take on this street level hero. Mike Colter just owns the screen as Cage, his calm presence and polite manner just comes across perfectly. He’s not a cape n’cowl type, but he is a hero. The pacing is at times languid, this is not a show that gives a damn about what pacing you expect, it is in no rush. But it works. The language is harsh in places and although in the same world as the Avengers, this isn’t a disney-friendly show. No one in the cast is safe and alliances change and shift as this 13 part series goes along. The origin flashback is so expertly done, changing nothing of the origin, but adding a couple of touches to flesh this story out from it’s blaxploitation history. There’s even a point where he is dressed in his old hero for hire yellow shirt and tiara combo and it hangs a lantern on how ridiculous it is. Now there’s the action. Super powers are expensive to show on screen and can look silly, but the basic enhancement of Luke, just makes him tougher and stronger and the action scenes showcase this perfectly, from the first punch, where someone breaks their hand, to the high stakes final battle in the last episode.

This is a series that is worth watching, does it help to have seen Daredevil and Jessica Jones (both also excellent shows) but it’s not particularly necessary. This is Mike Colter’s show and he owns it, but the ‘villains’ are just as compelling and you root for the supporting cast including the excellent Simone Missick as Misty Knight. There’s the usual easter-egg and references to future stories stuff, but this is quality TV that was so popular, that it seemed to crash netflix itself.

Worth the 30 days free trial if nothing else.

Sunday was a nice and easy day, movies with my son and cuddles with the Mighty Rosie in the evening. Feeling positive is easy, when things are going this well and maybe if I carry this on, it may keep going well.


Also, watched a YouTube video with my son yesterday. I have an interest in Tokusatsu and watched a thing about Tokusatsu (which is mostly Japanese sci-fi TV series) and we got to laugh and enjoy some weird looking and named things together.

I have to go now internet people, I have to go to work, but you know what? I’m still feeling positive. Maybe it does feel like I am pushing the rock up the hill, but I can make it up that hill.