2017 Was not the smoothest of years. There’s been upset, sadness, more than a few tears and the odd unpleasant truth here and there. But I don’t want to say that 2017 was a bad year, it wasn’t, at least personally. There are many reasons why:-
Getting my shit together
When I started this year, I weighed 18.5 st (259lbs in old money), was on anti-depressants and was completely devoid of anything resembling motivation. Of those three statuses, none are currently true.
At the suggestion of the MIGHTY Rosie, I joined Slimming World and started going to group on a Saturday morning. (For much of the year I blogged this journey under the banner of Slimming World Saturday) some days I found soul crushingly boring, but more often than not, I found it inspirational and it helped changed the way I looked at food. I am not more than 3st lighter than that now and in this new year am once again committed to it.
In early 2013 I suffered a depression related breakdown. It’s hard to write that down sometimes. The events that followed that day revealed that I had suffered depression much of my life and changed the way I looked at both my past and my present. I am not going to tell you that it’s been easy internet people, nor that I’ve dealt with it in the best way. Through the support of work, some friends and relatives and mostly the love and care of the Awesome Sammy and the MIGHTY Rosie, I have been on the road to better mental health. But I have needed help from others getting there too. One was a therapist and the other was the pharmacological arm of the NHS. From January 2016 I have been on Sertraline to treat my depression. Once I needed it, afterwards, it helped still, but somewhere along the way it stopped either being helpful, or being necessary and I was not really experiencing the full range of human experience and emotion, so after seeking medical advice on the safest way to do it (telling the Drs what I wanted, not asking them what to do) I reduced and them came off my tablets. Finally free of them, I realise that they were not really doing too much this last year and as of early October, I am medicine free. I am more engaged with the world, more emotional and I hope to think a better version of myself than I had been for the 3 previous years. I also decided to take a break from therapy for the Christmas period. Been not having sessions for 4 or 5 weeks now and to be honest, I don’t think I will be going back. Like the tablets, I needed it, then it helped me, but I don’t think over analysing my moods and my past is going to help me do the things I really want to do, I want to move forward, be a better me and that is not what I was getting from therapy towards the end.
A lack of Motivation
I am almost pathologically lazy. I am like a rug on valium. I have reasons, explanations, but not really excuses, so that I have had to change that. The tablets and the weight loss things are signs that I do possess a small amount of drive and my writing does hint at it too, I have posted daily since December 1st and with the exception Sunday, feel no reason to stop. So it exists within me to better my particular lot in life and so have started to do that. As part of my overall wellness kick of 2017 I followed my excellent trainer Ali to a new company https://instagram.com/absolutebodysolutions and enjoy weekly sessions to increase fitness, strength and reduce stress ( a better option than a tablet I think we can all agree) and they have started a sort of life coaching/planning company called ABS Life and it’s done what therapy hasn’t, it’s helped me with tools to be a person. I am planning for the future and am setting goals and challenges and things are looking brighter. I am still lazy, but I have motivation and for the first time in years am investing in what I want.
It’s been a bit of year here at the munky house, log cabin days away, walks in the woods and more than a few zoo trips and we have got away here and there several times. It’s been quite a year. For years, I have avoided conventions and things like that, suffering anxiety kind of puts a dampener on that experience, but this year after mix up and stupid mistakes the Munky family went to For the Love of Sci-Fi in Manchester. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you can see some of the pictures of the Cosplayers who were amazing and so friendly to my 7 year old boy, including a scottish medieval Batman and the Dutch Daywalker (a Blade lookalike) as well as people from Dredd, Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica and I will be glad of all that.
But, it was badly organised, badly signposted and the reputed shitty behaviour of one William Shatner was very much confirmed when I posed for a picture I paid for. It would have been a complete waste except that we got a fantastic present for my mad sister in law and I met the Hoff. I posed for a pic with David Hasselhoff and the Knight Rider Trans-am and he was a delight, friendly and approachable and he even serenaded the MIGHTY Rosie. I couldn’t have asked for a nicer guy to have my photo taken with.
I want to do another convention, but I will be more selective, more organised and more prepared, but that’s another story.
My goal when I started this year, in a broad term was a better version of me. I am closer to that than I once was and am moving forward every single day. So I will take much of this year as a success, a qualified success, but a success nonetheless. But happiness isn’t a goal, it may be a direction, but it’s also moments, moments like walking in the park on New Years Day, enjoying all of it and being sad not about going back to work, but not being with your loved ones for another day like this. Like making your wife laugh, for no other reason that she needs it and seeing her smile is one of life’s great joys. It’s singing along to Queen on a car ride, all three of us and enjoying each second, I had moments like that in 2017 and it’s made me greedy, I want more. And that’s what I’m going to do.
2017 is one, bring it on 2018, I will not back down.
That’s enough looking backwards, time to turn my view to the horizon and all the steps in front of me towards it.