I am as of this writing, off my meds. I have been on some form of anti-depressant medication for 4 years, 7 months and 21 days.
For the first 3 years, I was on the wrong medication it turns out, I switched about 18 months ago, but by and large haven been taking pills for over 4 and a half years. Back in the summer, I came to the decision to come off them, feeling that they were no longer part of my recovery, but perhaps they had become an impediment to it. I decided to fix that by slowly weaning myself off them. For a period of 4 weeks, I went down to one every two days, for 4 weeks after that, it was one every three days, then twice and week and then for the last 4 weeks, one per week. Wednesday, was my last one. It’s been a long road internet people, but I am as of this writing no longer being treated medically. It’s a big step to take and I have taken it.
That’s my win for today (well Wednesday) and am glad of it.
The main problem now is that hard won victory hasn’t really changed anything.
I still battle depression and I don’t win every single day, a few days in a row where I haven’t won was noticed, sadly not by me. Kinda been letting the side down recently, not looking after myself as well as I should do, missing things and being less than present. Nothing earth shattering is it? Work stress and other shit getting to you to the extent that you’re not your best self for a bit? Thing is, I don’t have the luxury of doing that do I? I don’t have the freedom to let things go a little, but it’s only a hop skip and a jump to falling back into the places I’ve spent the last four years trying to escape. My health can suffer as can my relationship with the MIGHTY Rosie as well as other important stuff. Once again, how off my game was pointed out to me gently on Monday evening and significantly less gently Tuesday morning. (Totally justified both times, I’m not crying foul here, this was more of the MIGHTY Rosie having my back as she always has.) I’ve been as a result left reeling this last couple of days. In the past, I would spend quite a while feeling shitty about myself. Oh don’t worry, I still fully intend to do that, but will also try to do better, to be more engaged, more focused and more even tempered. My son deserves better, the MIGHTY Rosie deserves better and am slowly coming to the conclusion that I deserve better too.
This is a blip, not a backslide, proof of this will be what I do next. I am off my meds, that was part of it, but I do have such a long way to go.
“Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is perhaps, the end of the beginning.” Winston Churchill