Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous, Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

2020 – What the hell was that?

As a self-imposed tradition, I have at the end of each year done a series of posts called For the Geek in me 20XX was awesome. This was further split into three sub-catergories of Movies, Comics and TV, my holy trinity of pop-culture interests. I had planned to do the same this year, but then I realised something, I have been the cinema once this year and have bought precisely one newly produced comic this year. So I wanted to do something a little different and just look at the year in general, rather than look at it solely through a pop culture lense. Kind of hard to do when the world is looking more and more dystopian as things go along.

January was as always a cold and long month, with being paid before X-Mas the paycheque has to go a little further than normal an it can be a tight period, so you tend to go out and to do less. The news was about the horrific wildfires in Australia and over in the states there was impeachment proceedings for Trump and our PM fresh from a snap election victory moved towards Brexit with enthusiasm which didn’t match his capability. February came and went with it’s usual mix of cold and miserable and when March began all the shit hit the fan.

The Corona virus first seen in the Wuhan area of China started spreading overseas at a drastic rate and One by one, many countries in Europe started to go into an enforced lockdown and in late March, so did England. Schools closed, non-essential shops, restaurants, hair and beauty places, venues and airports all closed down immediately. Food shops and financial services remained open, which meant that while the MIGHTY Rosie and SuperSam stayed at home, I went into work as usual.

Work became more difficult than ever before with financial assistance being a really bit thing and this affected my job on a huge scale. It hasn’t really let up since and it is now 9 months later, but I digress. So many people were trapped at home, online sales of food went up since no one dared go outside, we had online pub quizzes, lots of facetime/zoom meetings and we all went out and clapped for the NHS once a week as they manned the front lines as the number of Corona virus (or Covid) sky rocketed. Thousands infected and hundreds dying as NHS workers were compelled to put anyone over a particular age as DNR (do not resucitate) meaning so many more died. People worked from home and we all sort of just watched the news waiting for something positive to start happening.

I don’t know if the Black Lives Matter movement was that, but it certainly saw the majority of the western world acknowledge the disparity in the way people of colour were treated by police compared to white people and it was upsetting viewing as the need for change was highlighted, as was the violence that stemmed from clashes between police and protesters. It was a moment in history and they never seem to be pleasant things at the time.

In the summer, the rise in cases seemed to slow down and restrictions lifted somewhat, some restaurants opened, some non-essential shops did and there was talk about schools opening, giving hw hard this lockdown had been on SuperSam and the MIGHTY Rosie, this was reason to feel optimistic. But that optimism wouldn’t really last.

In September the team added a new member (joining me, Giselle and Disney Princes) is CheekyMrsJ who has the filthiest sense of humour of any woman I know with the clear exception of the MIGHTY Rosie. She has also suffered with her mental health and more than that isn’t mine to tell. Between her humour and history we had enough common ground to get on and have become good work-friends in the last three months. There has been also inter-departmental strife over the recent furlough and job retention scheme shenannigans and more than a couple of times were there have been tellings off, including complaints to the directors regarding management. But in that there were victories. After years of animosity, myself and Gisele have got to a good place and we made the complaint together. In the end little came of it, but we stood up for ourselves and one another and I see that as a victory.

Also in September, SuperSam went back to school and got new teachers, new restrictions, but seemed to be having a better time and that lasted a few weeks, but with a greater sense of isolation and a little bit of bullying, we have had to deal with some old problems, but there were staff at school that helped and he ended the term in a much better place.

After a couple of weekends away fell to Covid, we planned to take advantage of the lessening of restrictions to book a week away at Christmas to a cottage in the west-f***ing-nowhere section of Wales, with a long year already we felt we needed a win for the end of the year and could relax and enjoy from a distance the theatrical fiasco that was the 2020 US election. It did not disappoint. There was a high voter turn out, despite covid having killed over 250,000 americans, there was a lot of mail-in voting and so many accusations of fraud and bad-faith actions on both sides. Ultimately the incumbent was defeated and after 4 long years, Donald Trump was beaten, not that he accepted or conceded this fact. There was lawsuits, unsubstantiated accusations and twitter tantrums and some of this is still going on. But the outcome is clear the 70+ old man with a questionable record with women that wasn’t Trump won. I mean congratulations to Joe Biden and his running mate/former rival Kamala Harris and it’s great to see the end of Trump’s reign, but things over there are going to get worse before they get better and I don’t think better will be much better, but I will be glad to see him leave the White House or be dragged out.

Work got harder, the rules kept changing and Christmas seemed both so far away and also appearing out of nowhere, we were going away, then we weren’t and then came a second lockdown and when it ended there was mass-testing and even a period when SuperSam’s school finished for a fortnight over a couple of cases in his school year. It was okay though, because no matter what we had a couple of weeks off together. Then on Thursday 17 December we learned that we were on, a  week in the countryside, no neighbours and no work related stress. We started panic-packing and getting things ready to spend Christmas away from home and then 2 days later it was completely cancelled. So with few gifts for one another (the holiday was the main present) and no great amout of food in the house we were faced with a lacklustre Christmas period.

But we didn’t get that, we had time with each other, time with my parents, time with her sister and her kids and lots of time together and ultimately it was one of our better X-Mas periods and now as I write this, we are near the end of 2020.

The reason I wanted to write something was that I was looking at my FaceBook feed and it shows you the stuff you wrote in previous years and most of mine for today pointed out how I was looking forward to a better year and it seems that this better year never actually happened. Maybe it’s time to look back at the positives of the year rather than the crapfest that 2020 so with that it’s time to find your 5.

1: I finally sorted my teeth out, at least getting the bad ones removed, a task I have procrastinated for a decade.

2: After several visits we were able to sort LoopyLottie’s tail and our dog is happier for it, no longer being in pain with it has made walking her easier and her training is going better?

3: Work has been better, not easier, but having another person there has made a difference and the whole vibe of the office is better than it ever was and when I had management problems I was able to deal with it in a better manner than I have before.

4: This  has been a bit of a crucible year, burning off all the unnecessary bits and forging tighter bonds inside our family. I feel closer to the MIGHTY Rosie than I have in a while and that’s helped deal with many of the challenges that we have faced this year.

5: I made it, after my relapse last May I have had many concerns that my depression and anxiety would flare up and cause many problems as mental health problems have been exacerbated by the lockdown and the endless Doomscrolling. But it hasn’t. Have I struggled? Yes, buy hasn’t everyone? Haven’t you internet people? But we got here. Not all of us and not easily, but we did. I still have all of the things I need, I have my family and my job, meaning a roof over my head. I have had 4 or so covid tests as part of the city’s mass-testing and all clear each time. This could have gone so differently,  but I got where I wanted to get to, safe at home with those who love me and whom I love.

 

In closing dear people, this rant/ramble was a way of saying that it’s going to be alright. Vaccines have been developed (maybe a good thing, maybe not) and I genuinely believe we will get through this. I do, because as bad as 2020 was, it could have been worse and there were some shining moments, I have seen smiles, laughter rainbows and the simple joy of a 10 year old at Christmas. It’s been a rough year, but after having a few of them already, I thing I am going to get through this one too. The important thing to remember is although we are socially distant from one another, we are not alone. We have overcome miraculous odds just to get this far and we are not giving up yet.

I think the reason we do the new year/new me thing is that this time of year gives us a chance to start again, to write a new tale in the new year. Maybe our resolutions and goals pan out, maybe they don’t but let us try.

The words I have ingrained into my boy about adversity are two fold. One is that you always get back up. The other is The only time you ever fail is when you give up, everything else is a set-back.

This is going to be a HAPPY new year and if it isn’t, I’m going to make it one.

Who’s with me?

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday 15: Forward is the only direction

I am not in work today.

There’s no childcare issues, no illness and not even time with the MIGHTY Rosie.

No I am off work because I had some teeth taken out yesterday. At three o’clock I was in a chair and doped up. It’s been the culmination of quite a weird week.

It started on Friday with an interview at the Asperger’s dept of Liverpool Hospital. I was there with my mother, since she has known me as both boy and man. I was there because I am not always the man I should be and about a year or so ago, I was not doing my best. It was suggested that I look into where I might be on the autism spectrum. I don’t know that I agreed, but in the cold light of day, I can see what my wife meant and even at my worst I respected her insight into my state of mind, since I couldn’t always trust that I saw things clearly. I forgot about it after that, until December when the referral came through. I moved it to when it was more convenient and went on Friday.

It was a long and drawn out interview, I and my mum had to answer lots of questions, on a wide variety of topics. It left the interviewer with the clear indication that I was not at the diagnosable part of the autism spectrum. So clearly I am just an arse.

One thing did come up though, there was a time when my mental state changed, which caused my self esteem  and confidence to suffer. At 12 years old I went to a new school and that was an isolating experience, since all of my friends went to different schools. I made a couple of new friends, but by 15/16 they had turned their backs on me. I was told that I likely had something of  a depressive episode that caused what I was informed something of a lost decade. The transitional period between 15-25 didn’t pan out for me quite so well and I went from a well balanced kid to a withdrawn and depressed one. I didn’t know, no one did and to be honest, withdrawn and moody doesn’t seem alien to anyone who has a teenager in their family does it? I was coming out of it in the years before I met the MIGHTY Rosie and more mental health stuff has happened since, but that was a bit of a bombshell to hit both me and the woman that raised me with.

It answered questions and raised others and  I may spend more time since dealing with this and unpacking it all, but it reinforced that I truly did grow up in a house full of love and support and that’s not changed, my mum and dad are there for me even now I live across town with the family I have made since. It also shows me that I still live in house full of love as all I have had is support from the MIGHTY Rosie and I am in a better place than I have ever been before. There’s nothing to change because of this and all it’s done is make my past clearer, it’s excused nothing or given me anything to blame. I don’t want that. The reasons that I had this referral are being addressed and  I am more engaged with my life than before and the MIGHTY Rosie and I are more of a team than ever, but it was touch and go for a while and have had to put the work in. Love is really easy to be in, but relationships aren’t, you really do need to do the work and let those you love know that you love them. Not in word, but in deed.

That should be enough for some, but I had to add some shit on there. After years of putting it off and years more of neglect, I have finally sorted out appointments to sort out my fucked up teeth. Yesterday, several of them had to be removed. I have only myself to blame there and it’s my fear and shame that have prevented me from getting this done earlier. As time went on, this fear grew bigger and it eclipsed the health benefits of getting this sorted, as well as being able to smile again, freely and wide.

But as I have faced everything else, I faced this too and finally made the appointments. Most people won’t see this as a thing and will be amazed that I ever let myself get in such a way that teeth would need removing, but I can only be who I am and can only have done what I did. This was my owning up to my failures and facing my fears. I did it for the MIGHTY Rosie, who needs to see a smile she once knew. I did it for my son, so he can see what facing your fears looks like, what owning up to your problems looks like and what can happen if you don’t look after your teeth. But really, above it all, I did it for me.

I don’t deserve to live the way I have made myself live and I needed to get this done, now I have pain and swelling in my mouth, but this feels so good to have done. I have another appointment in two weeks and then I have to go through the process of false teeth to restore my smile. I have a lot more work to do both physically and mentally, but doing this makes all of it seem doable.

I could not have done any of this without the MIGHTY Rosie, my parents or SuperSam.

There’s more to be done, more to be said and I want to thank you internet people for being here when I say it.

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday 14: Look, Up in the Sky

I am trying this thing now, this idea of doing things that make me happy, trying new stuff. It’s been going on a couple of months, I have seen comedy live, which I always enjoy. Spent time with my parents and planning a trip that I will be taking next month, but one of the biggest was something I did today.

 

 

I went skydiving. Now before I sound like I did something cool, it was indoor skydiving by a company called iFly. I did it in their Manchester centre with my dad and SuperSam. I have been anxious about it, especially since I was riding their upper weight limit. But it all went really well and three generations of my family went flying.

For obvious reasons, only sharing my flight.

 

I will be honest with you all here internet people, I am as awkward and graceless in the air as I am on the ground, but no matter what, filled with anxiety, battling depression, I still have adventures and still find happy moments. I have rarely been as proud of my son as him facing her nervousness and flying. I was able to get my dad involved and I saw him go from 60’s to 6 inside 60 seconds and that is yet another memory I treasure. My flight was exhilerating fun and a bizarre experience of being carried by someone else in places. If you are physically able to do this, then I recommend you doing so. It’s fun, safe and you get video and photo reminders of the experience. I am so glad that I did this and it’s a great way to end October.

 

As always, my thanks go out to the MIGHTY Rosie, who wasn’t able to come with us, but did encourage me to find these little adventures. I have my trip in November next and maybe a trip to Europe early next year, you know, whilst we can.

 

My fond wishes to you all internet people, go have your own adventures. There are reasons to smile, today this was one of mine.

TTFN

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday 13:Winning? In general yes, today, no.

I am as of this writing, off my meds. I have been on some form of anti-depressant medication for 4 years, 7 months and 21 days.

For the first 3 years, I was on the wrong medication it turns out, I switched about 18 months ago, but by and large haven been taking pills for over 4 and a half years. Back in the summer, I came to the decision to come off them, feeling that they were no longer part of my recovery, but perhaps they had become an impediment to it. I decided to fix that by slowly weaning myself off them. For a period of 4 weeks, I went down to one every two days, for 4 weeks after that, it was one every three days, then twice and week and then for the last 4 weeks, one per week. Wednesday, was my last one. It’s been a long road internet people, but I am as of this writing no longer being treated medically. It’s a big step to take and I have taken it.

That’s my win for today (well Wednesday) and am glad of it.

The main problem now is that hard won victory hasn’t really changed anything.

I still battle depression and I don’t win every single day, a few days in a row where I haven’t won was noticed, sadly not by me. Kinda been letting the side down recently, not looking after myself as well as I should do, missing things and being less than present. Nothing earth shattering is it? Work stress and other shit getting to you to the extent that you’re not your best self for a bit? Thing is, I don’t have the luxury of doing that do I? I don’t have the freedom to let things go a little, but it’s only a hop skip and a jump to falling back into the places I’ve spent the last four years trying to escape. My health can suffer as can my relationship with the MIGHTY Rosie as well as other important stuff. Once again, how off my game was pointed out to me gently on Monday evening and significantly less gently Tuesday morning. (Totally justified both times, I’m not crying foul here, this was more of the MIGHTY Rosie having my back as she always has.) I’ve been as a result left reeling this last couple of days. In the past,  I would spend quite a while feeling shitty about myself. Oh don’t worry, I still fully intend to do that, but will also try to do better, to be more engaged, more focused and more even tempered. My son deserves better, the MIGHTY Rosie deserves better and am slowly coming to the conclusion that I deserve better too.

This is a blip, not a backslide, proof of this will be what I do next. I am off my meds, that was part of it, but I do have such a long way to go.

“Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is perhaps, the end of the beginning.” Winston Churchill

 

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday 12: Short sharp kick to the head

Hello there internet people, been a while since I’ve written anything personal.

I felt bad about this for a brief time, because whenever I have written more personal stuff, the response has been universally positive and supportive. It took me a while to real

ise that the reason I hadn’t written for a while was simply things were going better.

Work isn’t as bad as it has been.

The house is better, started decorating in fact.

Gym stuff is going better.

Weightloss is up and down, but will get back to doing Slimming World Saturday eventually.

The big thing though, is that I have taken it upon myself to wean off my anti-depressants. After speaking to my doctor, I went to one every other day, months have passed and I am now on two per week, for another two weeks, when I go to one per week, then maybe none per week. It’s all been going really positively, have dealt with my son a little better, feel closer to him and have been more open when talking with the MIGHTY Rosie and we’re communicating better than we ever have before. It’s all been really positive.

You can see where this is going can’t you?

I was due for a blip. Yesterday, it all got on top of me, the stress of work, the negative feelings, the low moods and anxiety and it all sort of fell on top of me all at once. Spent most of the afternoon experiencing a stretched out 4 hours anxiety attack. I’ll be honest, not fun. When I got home, I wasn’t in the mood for doing pretty much anything, but had to make a couple of calls, one of them to the MIGHTY Rosie, so that was a positive. I needed a win. So I decided to move the bed around and sort out the headboard. On my own, a large bed and a less than stellar frame of mind.

If you guessed it went badly, well done. I ended up putting my foot through part of the bed. This didn’t help my mood as you can imagine. So the true depth and extent of my stupidity was point out by the MIGHTY Rosie and after getting help with the bedroom furniture, we got stuff done. Two pictures hung up, two shelves and finally got my bedside shelves back up and was able to put my collectables and knick-knacks up.

Even got the DC Hardbacks lined up again, which was nice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Overall I left for therapy in a far more positive mindspace than I could have, enabling me to sift through the feelings of the day and start today more positively.

I can’t thank my wife enough, sometimes I need a kind word, a hug, some positivity, but sometimes I need a kick up the arse. She can do all these things, I call her the MIGHTY Rosie, I do this for a reason.

We are more than our battles, every bad day is just that A bad day. Her helping me realise that, got me through last night and that has got me through today so far.

Thanks for listening,

TTFN

 

 

 

 

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday 11: Raw

Hello internet people.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks and I have in no uncertain terms been struggling. Work was an unmitigated nightmare and I found it all very stressful. It has all felt so very overwhelming. I wasn’t coping and it was getting in the way of everything. I was feeling the weight of everything and wondering what had changed.

Worked it out, I was feeling the weight of it. About 6 weeks ago, I went to my doctor’s and informed him that I wanted to reduce my anti-depressants, with the overall goal of not actually taking them anymore. Since my breakdown I have been taking them daily and am getting the idea that they are no longer doing me any good and for me it’s a concrete sign that I am getting better. I hemmed and hawed about it. worrying that my negative and obsessive thoughts would make a fast return and I’d go back to the terrifying earliest days of my recovery. I’d wish that on no-one, not even me. So anyway, went back to the doctors and we agreed between us that I should go onto one every two days, rather than one a day. And apart from missing the odd one at the weekend, have been doing the one every other day since. So, when do I notice the difference I wonder?

Now, now is when I notice the difference. Anti-depressants, don’t as a rule fix depression, no single thing can do that. They don’t make you happy, nor stop you feeling sad, the idea is that they give you the head-space to deal with shit. But one of the ways they do that is by blunting the effects of the feelings. So they stop you feeling so sad, but essentially stopping you feeling that much of anything. So I went from repressing my feelings, to battling my feelings through to suppressing my feelings to finally now experiencing them. For the first time in a few years, I am feeling everything  that I am feeling. Or at least I am beginning to. I didn’t notice it at first because, it’s takes about 4 weeks for changes in medication to have any real effect. For the first time in a long time, am feeling what I am feeling more. This has been an uncomfortable fortnight as a result and am sure the road will get rockier, long before it will get smoother. But I feel, maybe that I am becoming more present. I miss my son (away for a couple of days with his grandparents) and I mean really missing him, but that’s a pain I am happy to feel, for it reminds me how much I love him. I love my wife the MIGHTY Rosie and being close to her is where I know what hope, love and home mean. I never really worked out how to do feelings, but I am right now in the best company to start learning.

I spent much of the last two weeks, thinking something was wrong, but really, my heart is beginning to wake up. I have a lot of learning to do still.

I am loved, it’s time to show that I love in return.

I fear, it’s time to face that fear.

I am not falling back, this is just a more difficult climb than I expected it to be. But I honestly think I am up to this challenge.

We are mightier than we believe, stronger than we know and more valued than we often feel.

Even me.

 

 

Posted in The MIGHTY Rosie, Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Things on a Thursday 10: A MIGHTY 11 Years

13:08 13 July 2006

It began as just a day like any other. It changed every day since. It was the day that changed the course my life. Because it was the day I met the love of that life.

11 years ago today, I met the MIGHTY Rosie.

The details of that day are beside the point but when I look back on the last 11 years, the ups have outweighed the bad by a HUGE margin. She taught me to value myself, to love with all my heart and above all she loves me, as I am, flawed and ridiculous. I know no one with a bigger heart and owe no one more for teaching me how to use mine.

I don’t tell her enough how lucky I am to have her and I don’t know I can her enough. She is my north star, she guides me home always. I knew the words home and love before her, but she taught me what they mean. She still does.

To my Rosie. You had my heart then and you have it still. The brightest Star in my sky.

 

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Things on a Thursday 9: Gratitude

Hello there internet people.

It’s been a weird few weeks, some shit has happened, some of which isn’t my tale to tell, so will keep it to myself, work has been stressful and it’s been a week or two that I’ve been happy to get through. I am now 4 weeks into my half dosage of anti-depressants, hoping to go to the doctor’s next week and cut down even further. I feel better based on that fact alone. But after therapy yesterday and a bit of relaxation, I came to a strange conclusion.

I’m grateful for the shit I have been through.

Let that sink in there. Do I enjoy what the last few years have done to me? No. Do I like what this has done to my loved ones? Of course not. But there is another way of looking at this. After many years of repression, unhelpful thinking and a lack of interest in my own welfare, I was always going to suffer this. This wasn’t an if, it was a when. I wasn’t broken, but certainly how I thought of myself and how I did certain things, were clearly detrimental. But if I really think about it, I am grateful for what this has done, there are several positives about the last 4 years that came to mind.

1: The MIGHTY Rosie: Most married men can hold the assumption, that they have a partner in life, someone who has always got their back and will go to bat for them every single time. I don’t hold that assumption. I KNOW I DO. My wife has been my friend, my lover, my back up, my counsellor, but conscience and when needed the kicker of my arse. I don’t know what I did to deserve someone who loves me this well, but whatever I did, I’d do it again. I wouldn’t be here without her and even without all that, she will always have my heart.

2: You learn who really cares: I have a support system, that I never would have conceived of 4 years ago, certain family members, a couple of people at work who ask how I am, actually wanting to know and an understanding office manager, my trainer Ali, who has become one of the best friends I have ever had (Now don’t get cocky there Tea-Bag) my sister in law and others, it’s also shown me who I can and who I can’t rely on.

3: I am the lightest I have been in 10 years: Needing to focus on my well-being has got me more into exercise and eating better. I have lost weight, gained strength and am better in that respect than I have been for many years. It’s a small thing, but has made a big difference. The number of people who comment on the weight I have lost is phenomenal.

4: My boy: Going through all this, had made me appreciate how much I have and one of the things I have is being a dad. There aren’t words for it. I will never be a good enough dad for him, so therefore I need to keep trying.

5: You: If you are reading this, it’s because I am writing, which I started as a way of getting thoughts out of my head, or just writing to distract me, but I have read so many things about people’s struggles, their stories, their fandoms, their relationships and it’s opened the world to me, in a way I never believed it could, all this from a woman from Talk Liverpool, who suggested writing as a therapeutic aid.

There are many other things I could list, but they are the ones I thought of today. I am not the person I once thought I was, but the person I am becoming, I think he’s alright. Maybe it’s going to be ok, or at least, brighter than the dark places my mind used to live.

I’ll be back internet people

Posted in Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday 8: Writing was a pleasure

It was my last week at my Writing for Pleasure course. It was a bittersweet moment of joy in a somewhat less than joyful day. The class started out with a chat about how lovely and talented Tom Hardy is, before we actually started the class. In all honesty, the Tom Hardy question popped up a couple of times during class too. Being not very social and not very confident at the best of times, I have grown to enjoy these people and many of them I will miss. That said, we all have shared e-mail addresses, I spend time with one of them on weekends and another is a fellow wordpress blogger. A third person of not is the lovely Sam Riley. I have posted her work here before https://misfitmunky.wordpress.com/2016/12/15/thinking-thoughts-on-a-thursday-7-yet-more-poetry/ and after asking permission, I wanted to post her latest poems. So that’s what I am doing. Feedback would be appreciated, so that I can send it back to her.

(As yet untitled)

I thought true love would feel like butterflies,
A feeling that ignites the very corners of the mind,
A passionate flame that would never die,
Matches made in Heaven, souls that were aligned.

Although I’m told we’re perfect, it’s left me so unsure,
Are the emotions that I’m feeling even love at all?
To me, it feels like waves when they kiss the shore,
Constant and unchanging, yet calming all the more.

It’s nothing like I thought love would ever be,
Nothing like the fireworks on New Years that you see,
It’s a shy appreciation between you and me,
Quiet and content, on this we both agree.

It’s not the kind of love that rocks you to your core,
Nor is it the kind of love you’d sacrifice your soul for.

But as dutiful as the tide,
And as faithful as the sea,
Like waves and sand, side by side,
There is always you and me.

 

Here’s another one, which I found touching, my wife (The MIGHTY Rosie) enjoyed and made a fellow student cry.

We spend the afternoon, tracing circles on skin,
You tell me you thought you’d never let anyone in.

“There was a time when I’d flinch away from people’s touch.”
I ask you how it’s possible to hate yourself so much.

The sad truth is, I already know,
But I wait for your answer that’s drawn out like a bow.

Your self-esteem is crippled and shrivelled at your feet,
That’s what happens when your ex is a cheat.

No matter how many times I tell you it’s true,
I’ve never seen someone as handsome as you.

You’ve carried your insecurities for far too long,
You’ll never believe me, you’ll tell me I’m wrong.

The thoughts that you’re battling, I know far too well,
I know how it feels to be a broken shell.

So I’ll pretend not to see the scars on your wrists,
Hidden away under all your bracelets.

Instead I trace circles with my thumb over your hand,
Look into your eyes and tell you that I understand.

We’ll both fight this together, so go grab a gun,
I won’t leave your side until this war is won.

I am glad to have had these people be a part of my life for a little while and while some I will keep in touch with, I’ll miss the feedback, the talking and oddly the very long digressions. This course taught me things about writing and two other things, I am a more pleasant and caring person than I gave myself credit for and I am and anyone reading this is a writer.

Ttfn internet people.

Posted in Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday 7: Yet more Poetry

This is a poem by someone I know from college, a talented young lady called Sam Price

I felt it worth sharing, with her permission of course.

Storm Goddess

Remember us together,
Lying in your bed?
Listening to a song of storms,
‘I love the rain,’ I said.

You said I was your dream,
But I couldn’t make you stay.
I was much too raw for you,
and so you tossed me away.

My hair, a wild tornado,
My eyes are stormy skies;
You may try to break my spirit,
But you will never see me cry.

I am a Storm Goddess,
The bastard child of Zeus.
Revel in my power.
Fear what I can do.

I can roar like thunder,
With the strength of Hercules.
Beg and plead for mercy,
Down there on your knees.

I hope that you enjoyed,
The gift I sent to you,
Happy Birthday, darling,
The storm is here for you.

A tiny dash of lightening,
Handful of sprinkled rain,
Each lovely, little droplet,
Water torture to your brain.

I hope my song of storms:
My lament, drove you mad.
A reminder that you lost,
The best you’ve ever had.

I hope that when you hear that sound –
That sound that I adore:
Rain against the windowpane,
You will think of me, forevermore.

(Sam Price)