Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous

Well that was a week

It’s been a very up and down week, up at the beginning, right down for the middle and then back up and on weeks like that, it’s important not to lost this sense of positivity that I am trying desperately to cultivate in myself.

 

So I think it’s time to do a quick list of positives from this week, to remind myself that of them, because we all need to remember the light, when we feel it’s absence.

Positive: As bad as last week got, did after all get through it.

Positive: A doctor’s referral I was waiting on came through, while I am anxious about it, am glad it’s here.

Positive: After the ropey part of this week, my son’s behaviour settled and have had some lovely moments with him. This morning we were watching TV together all cuddled up and it was lovely.

Positive: My arm is healing up and the rest of my tattoo is being completed in 3 and a half weeks.

Positive: Lying in bed the other night, unable to sleep and my wife (the awesome Rosie) says these words “It’s ok not to be ok you know.” I couldn’t have made it as far as I have in the last three years without her and she is still in my corner.

Positive: TV and movies are really good at the moment. (Ok, this is trivial, but as a long time comic fan, seeing some stuff you’ve read turned into primetime tv is still a bit of a giddy joy and the novelty hasn’t worn off yet.)

Positive: Cheap toys at Asda: While shopping with my son last night, as well behaved as a 5 year old gets in a supermarket, I see these guys reduced to £3 each.

Marvel-Universe-Doctor-Octopus-Hasbro-Figure-Packaged-e1428273595420 Mints-1

My son loved Doc Ock and I have a fondness for forgotten 90’s heroes like Thunderstrike, so we got both. I’m not trying to buy good behaviour, but reward the behaviour I have seen. For less than the price of a comic,  he was happy for the rest of the night, playing with the other two and he’s twice as happy.

 

While I write this, he’s cuddled up with mummy and I can hear them together, that’s what happy sounds like.

 

Whenever it seems dark, whenever it seems like hope isn’t there and the walls are closing in, remember this can pass, you’re stronger than you think you are and you are not as alone as you think.

 

 

 

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Posted in Miscellaneous

Random thoughts on family and stuff

Had a family dinner last night. My mother had a big birthday and me and my son went. Already there was my sister-in-law and my younger brother.

My younger brother and I haven’t spoken for three years, three years ago I underwent a depression related breakdown, the effects of this are still with me, at the time my wife, the awesome Rosie asked for his help, leading to three years of silence. So there I was, my son, two people who I don’t think so highly of anymore, a virtual stranger of a sister in law and the guy who let my wife down, needless to say, an awkward hour or two.

I got home, annoyed, hungry and grateful to be back with my actual family (again the awesome Rosie, who didn’t go the meal, since she likes them less than I do and wasn’t well) and it’s made me realise that I do have family outside of the wife and the boy, whom I care for and who care for me. So I want to say how grateful I am for my wife’s sister and her fiance and their kids, who have treated me more like family in the last three years, than anyone I am related to by birth.

We all have people in our lives that we think of as family, we should be grateful for them. It seems in this world that love is often in short supply, so must be cultivated where it can be.

But make no mistake internet people, this is not a post with me being either angry or depressed. While I know my subconscious mind will do some shitty things to me over the next few days, I am positive. I will be at the gym tonight, tomorrow is friday and the weekend looks like a good one.

The things that have pulled me down before, may always do that. Knowing that I can’t control that is useful, but hard to accept. But they don’t have the power to keep me down.

And for no real reason, a picture of Spider-Ham

1SJQYsj

 

Posted in Shared Stuff

TMI Tuesday, lets do this

tmi-tuesday-e14285690079471

 

  1. How many people do you really trust?
    My wife, the Delightful Rosie.
  2. What are you excited for?
    My holiday in May.
  3. Have you had sex today?
    No
  4. When was the last time you talked to someone until you fell asleep? What relation are they to you?
    My wife and I talk everynight in bed.
  5. What is your opinion on sex before marriage?
    Consenting adults, beyond that, whatever feels good.

Bonus: Does your present lover know any of your past lovers? How well?

My wife knows of my past lovers, but hasn’t met any.

 

https://wankoftheday.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/tmi-tuesday-e14285690079471.jpeg?w=720&quality=80&strip=info

Posted in Miscellaneous

While shopping….

Standing Guard

While shopping this afternoon, I saw something at a supermarket and just had to get it.

It was a toy, but before you roll your eyes, I get it, late thirties, shouldn’t be buying toys. Like many comic fans I have bought actions figures, as decoration. One by one, they fell into disinterest until my son was born, at which point, I knew where they’d end up. So any toys have been his, but I have my weakness, the original Guardians of the Galaxy.

Marvel Presents #003 - 00

Lets be honest, have one of the team tattooed on my right arm, so when I saw this.

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One of the original Guardians of the Galaxy has his own figure, living in a geeky golden age.

That was it, just wanted to brag about my swag.

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Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 4

It’s been a long week.

Worked out quite hard at the gym last night and am paying for it this morning, my arm itches like a f***er, I miss my wife and son and I’m not exactly blessed with an abundance of job satisfaction today. These things should leave me feeling down, in the past any one of them would have, but not today.

I am quite positive at the moment and it’s quite an unnatural state for me. But it’s mostly because am focusing on the positive. I’m a lucky man in many respects.

I have a beautiful wife, who loves me, whom I love and in a world where many people are alone, or with the wrong person.

I have a son, clever and healthy and that is no small feat in this world as it is at the moment.

I have a job, when the country is suffering austerity and many people are on the breadline, despite what the government thinks.

I have my health (he says with a rash, depression and soreness in his entire body) all my arms and legs accounted for and can do all that I wish to, again, not everyone is so blessed.

I am a geek, living in a geek golden age. I went to see a Deadpool film last weekend. Yeah, that’s right they made a Deadpool film and it was faithful to many comics I have read and massively entertaining to my wife, who has read none of them. Dawn of Justice, Civil War, Suicide Squad and Apocalypse are on their way also and the telly? Lucifer, Arrow, Flash, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D, Agent Carter and the upcoming Legends of Tomorrow. Remember when all we got was cartoons? I’ve really been enjoying Lucifer on Amazon Prime btw and it worth checking out, the premise is that Satan quits his job running hell and goes to LA to open a nightclub. Even the comics I get week by week have been getting better and better. (More expensive, but that’s not a complaint I’m going to get into)

I have my blogs and can express myself and get stuff out in a way I have never been able to before and that has been a great thing and the internet has made me look at the world and my place in it in both good and bad ways and again am glad of it.

I’m a lucky man, to have so much. Yesterday I was able to be at work, go the gym afterwards, listen to a podcast in the hour it took me to get back home before watching the first episode of Firefly before a cuddle with my wife the always awesome Rosie. If that wasn’t good enough, it’s the weekend.

Not too long ago, I felt that the wheels were coming off and hope and positive ideas were impossible.

Yet here I am, doing ok and instead of taking it for granted, am enjoying it.

Hope is always there, but not always visible and impossible can be overcome.

We have done the impossible and that makes us mighty!
We have done the impossible and that makes us mighty!

 

Ta Ta For Now internet people

Posted in Comics n Stuff, Miscellaneous, Shared Stuff

The Right Arm of Vance Astro part 1

Standing Guard

In an attempt to move foward, to move past some mistakes in my past, am covering a tattoo on my right arm, yesterday was the first of what I hope to be just two sittings.

Being a life-long comic reader and an old school Guardians of the Galaxy, the best choice for me was Vance Astro, sometime leader of the Guardians, at the time when he first started to wield the Shield of Captain America.

Yup, this guy Yup, this guy

That decided, I needed three things, the time (hard with a little one) an artist and the desire to be in pain for a minimum of two hours at a time.

This weekend I had all three and visited Design for Life Tattoo parlour in Liverpool City Centre http://www.design4lifetattoo.co.uk/

The talented Simon K Bell, who can be found on instagram https://www.instagram.com/simonkbell/ , did a fantastic job and turned the shower of s**t you see…

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Posted in Miscellaneous, The MIGHTY Rosie

Unable to sleep

Northern-Star

Cannot sleep, but this is nothing new, am sure I’ll be tired enough sooner rather than later.

One thing that occured to me as I lay in bed, my wife was cuddled into me, my arm around her, her head nestled on my chest, it was I who felt safe. I am loved and cared for and every day I am grateful for this, my friend, my lover, my soul mate. I tell her I love her often, but it sounds like habit.

I write this, because I love you lacks the impact it once had and I need to find better ways to tell her how much she means to me and has done for me.

 

In the darkest day, she is the light and when I am lost, she is the northern star which guides me home.

My Wife

 

Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday once more

Some say it's half full, others half empty, I say couldn't that be alcohol?
Some say it’s half full, others half empty, I say couldn’t that be alcohol?

Friday is a good day to reflect upon how the week has gone.

Badly.

There are so many things going on it’ll take longer to list than I have, but suffice to say, this years trend of “What NOW?” continues unabated.

I should be frustrated, depressed, agitated about all this, but I’m not.

I’m hopeful.

I’m stressed a bit at work, but that’s because I am invested in the job, a sign of enjoying it.

I’m concerned about my weight, but have dropped 5lbs and inches of my hip.

I’m bothered by my son’s recent bad behaviour, but that’s because he’s such a good boy normally.

I’m worried about my niece, who is having a really rough time of things, but that shows me I have family who I love.

I’m worried about my wife, but that is simply because she has been my best friend and soul mate for the majority of the last 10 years and I love her as much now as then, as much and more besides as the depth of her compassion and love continue to astound me.

I’m bothered that I have been suffering with depression for 3 years now, but that means I’ve been fighting (with varying degrees of success) and am continuing to.

I’m being trained by a personal trainer called Tom, he’s awesome and I believe has really helped me. The soreness in my arms from yesterday is down to him and I am cursing him as I pick anything up, but he said to me that the best thing I can do is find the positive in what’s going on. So I am. So here are three postives.

 

One: It is Friday and more family time awaits.

Two: Having a tattoo started tomorrow, which have been looking forward to.

Three: I have an awesome wife, who is also my best friend and I won the lottery when I met her, in her words she’s a F***ing Delight!

 

There’ll be more soon, but am enjoying getting stuff out of my head that isn’t all doom and gloom.

 

Ttfn internet people.

 

Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday (Again)

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It’s been a rough week, misunderstandings, poor communication at the beginning, an absence of heating and hot water in the middle and tiredness on all sides at the end. But you know what, am OK.

For the first time in a while, I can see my old self. I am enjoying the gym again, work isn’t as bad as it has been and my son’s behaviour has been really good for the most part.

 

I know this whole thing is a journey and I know that this is only one step and all that, but two weeks ago, I couldn’t see hope, now I can. Things are getting better and I will keep striving towards that goal. I have people fighting for me, I should be doing it too.

Three positives from this week.

1: Family: I got to pick my son up early on Wednesday and had a fantastic time with him on the way home. It was one of those rare moments of pure joy.

2: Bones: My wife and I have been binge-watching this police pocedural over the past several months and have really been enjoying it. One of the great things has been the chemistry between the leads and the quite natural love story between them. That, the snappy dialogue and the science. It’s a lot of fun, for a program about cadavers and murder.

3: Winter is coming to an end, the nights are lighter and that sense of spring optimism is just around the corner.

bones-renewal

Posted in Miscellaneous

Every kid should have Star Wars toys

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It’s been a rough 2016, I won’t lie. Some stuff has been hard to deal with, knowing I can’t do so alone and it has often felt that there is only struggle. But that’s not true.

I went swimming yesterday, I enjoy that, always have. My son is a water baby, my wife is beautiful in the water in sight and in movement and we had her sister and her family came too. These are the good days. This weekend I have also tried more to engage with the world around me, do more around the house and over all fight for this life I have built for myself. This isn’t easy, some days, but this weekend it was there.

On saturday night, in a shop near home, I saw the above toy, a Tie Fighter and pilot for £10. I felt it was indulgent, but I got it and yesterday I got to give it to my boy.

Life is good, I got to play Star Wars with my son and he loved it. It was a great little moment, there are more of those out there and it’s up to me to sieze them.