Prelude to More-vember, my second attempt

Hello there internet people.

This time last year I decided to post something every day in an attempt to kickstart writing things again. I called it More-vember. I did several and then the family suffered a loss as our beloved dog Wilma died. It’s been a testing 12 months since then and there’s been more sad than glad in a lot of places, but I am determined to keep going, keep trying and to keep interacting with the world as myself. So I am doing More-vember again.

To give it a sort of structure, I decided to do the 30 day Marvel Challenge, which was something I found on Instagram.

Each day has a thing to post a picture of or write something about and I will use that, as well as try to add other stuff myself. It’s not a great or original idea, but I feel that it is a bit of unfinished business sort of thing and I would like to get to writing more frequently.

So as Halloween comes to an end and the trick-or-treaters have all gone home, I am looking forward to November.

I can’t promise quality, but it does seem that I am promising quantity.

TTFN Internet people, hasta manana.

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Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday 14: Look, Up in the Sky

I am trying this thing now, this idea of doing things that make me happy, trying new stuff. It’s been going on a couple of months, I have seen comedy live, which I always enjoy. Spent time with my parents and planning a trip that I will be taking next month, but one of the biggest was something I did today.

 

 

I went skydiving. Now before I sound like I did something cool, it was indoor skydiving by a company called iFly. I did it in their Manchester centre with my dad and SuperSam. I have been anxious about it, especially since I was riding their upper weight limit. But it all went really well and three generations of my family went flying.

For obvious reasons, only sharing my flight.

 

I will be honest with you all here internet people, I am as awkward and graceless in the air as I am on the ground, but no matter what, filled with anxiety, battling depression, I still have adventures and still find happy moments. I have rarely been as proud of my son as him facing her nervousness and flying. I was able to get my dad involved and I saw him go from 60’s to 6 inside 60 seconds and that is yet another memory I treasure. My flight was exhilerating fun and a bizarre experience of being carried by someone else in places. If you are physically able to do this, then I recommend you doing so. It’s fun, safe and you get video and photo reminders of the experience. I am so glad that I did this and it’s a great way to end October.

 

As always, my thanks go out to the MIGHTY Rosie, who wasn’t able to come with us, but did encourage me to find these little adventures. I have my trip in November next and maybe a trip to Europe early next year, you know, whilst we can.

 

My fond wishes to you all internet people, go have your own adventures. There are reasons to smile, today this was one of mine.

TTFN

Finally, some positives

Hello there internet people.

As covered in my last ramblings I was worried regarding an appointment. It was my teeth. I don’t really look after them, this has caused me no small amounts of shame and anxiety and is a source of tension in places. It’s one of my biggest things to do, that through fear and shame I have avoided. Yesterday I stopped avoiding it. There’s a good amount of work needs doing and I am not overly comfortable with that, but it is about time that I decided to deal with these things. To most this will be a minor achievement, but this is something to me, it’s the idea that my comfort and denial is not greater than my belief in myself, nor my value.

So anyway, I decided to point out some positives.

I was out a couple of weeks ago to see Dave Gorman, a comedian who does sort of lectures with powerpoint slides and had a great time with a friend. He too struggles with mental health and it was a positive for both of us to be out and having a laugh. Did the same thing on Saturday just gone with another comedian called Justin Moorhouse who is to be honest more than a little similar in appearance to me. Had a lot of fun, got my ticket signed and a picture with the guy who was quieter than on stage, but just as lovely a person.

(I am the one in the blue tee-shirt)

I have several reasons to feel less than great today, the anxiety yesterday has landed in my stomach and a cold I was fighting off hasn’t given up yet, but then again, neither have I. I could be at home wallowing, but am working (well not right now obviously) and will see the day out, even am off to the pictures tonight to see the Joker with my dad. I am doing okay and I believe that things can turn around for me. Our fears can be faced, our mistakes can be confronted and our days can be happier.

I hope you are all doing okay.

Every single person looking at this has helped me along this journey and I am not done yet.

Ttfn internet people am off to see about a dog.

The feeling of dread

I am scared.

I have an appointment this evening, something I have been putting off for so very long. I’m dreading it and dreading the outcome and all that. The fear mixed with the shame and wrapped up in my old friend anxiety. Needless to say, right now I feel sick.

Here’s the thing, I know that this is not only irrational, but very much of my own making. Everyone’s response is “there’s nothing to be worried about” and then doing it is “important”. I know both of things are true and I know that this is all irrational. Never changes how you feel does it? So tonight I go, am taking SuperSam with me, mostly because I will keep my shit together in front of him. I have tried to rationalise, improve my positive mental state over it and last week I even sought help from a hypnotherapist. Yes, we are at that point. But 10pm last night, it all hit me at once. I know that this is the start of me getting this under control, I know that. But right now I feel anxious and full of dread.

But fear tells you that you can’t, fear tells you that you are alone. Fear lies.

I have been helped in this as with all of my journey by my amazing wife, the MIGHTY Rosie. She is my biggest booster, my conscience when I need one and the swift kick up my arse when I need that too. Recently I have needed the kick a bit too much. I am trying, but that’s hard to see on the outside.

Part of the hypnotherapy session was to give me a tool to cope and to keep moving forward. Well I remembered a mantra that I read years earlier.

“I can.”

“I must.”

“I will.”

This idea is stronger than my fear, my shame and my avoidance. This idea is bolstered by the love of my family and the knowledge that the better version of me that I want to be is a person who will do the things that scare him. So I will. I will show my son that fear can be conquered, because if I can show him, I will be able to see it myself.

We are stronger than we think we are, all of us.

That includes me.

That includes you too.

I will be posting something more positive tomorrow as well as context for this stream incoherent ramblings.