Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 14: I think I am going to be ok, not yet, but it’s coming

 

It’s been a week and a half at work, have spent most of this week stressed and tired, or not sleeping and stressed. I had 12 minutes of lunch on wednesday, which got me into trouble because I ‘Took an hour and a half off on the busiest day’, well the time off was for therapy, so there’s that. I can see the point, I really can, they didn’t know it was only 12 minutes, they assumed it was 42 minutes most likely and felt I was taking the piss, I was angry at the time, but have made the time up from that day and there are more things to give a shit about.

Therapy itself was good, am letting go of some of the unnecessary stuff in my past, other people’s expectation, my own sense of failure and all that. Truth is, you can’t fail at something that you don’t want, or don’t decide to do. The only real decision with consequences that I made was most likely to marry my wife (the Mighty Rosie) still if you’re going to make a decision, that’s a good one to make. 😀 I never had a plan in life, just what I thought I should do, or what I was expected to do, I think that’s a common issue. We do what our parents want, or what they leave us with the impression they want, in the absence of our own ambitions, we default to what we know. I am not as repressed as I was and am learning to cut myself some slack. I’m making changes in my life, small ones now, but bigger will come, I have a great wife who loves me (weird woman) and a son, who I am so proud of. Both of them make me want to be a better me, both deserve that, the truth that they have tried to show me is, so do I. I haven’t failed, I have a job, a roof over my head, family love and a place in the world, failure sure looks like falling arse backwards into the best things in life doesn’t it?

Have shut down two blogs (or at least two regular features of blogs) and I feel sad about it, but I know that better things are coming on that score. Work will settle down, home will improve and to be honest, I just wanted to mark the point that things are starting to get better. I may not be recovered from my depression, I may still have several deep-rooted issues, but I can look back and think, I’m doing better than I was.

We endure, that’s what we do. It helps when things seem to look better. Life is hard at the moment, but not because of who I am or my own messed up mind, but because there’s shit going on. But I have my feet planted, I have the Mighty Rosie at my side, I can do this.

If you are at a low point, remember this, we are stronger than we think, we are braver than we know and in the dark, amongst our demons are those things that make us who we really are.

“We have done the impossible and that makes us mighty!” a quote from the TV show Firefly.

If you think of the odds of your birth, just of the random incalculable odds of who we are and how we came to be, the dangers in the world, just by having survived to this point to read this, you have conquered amazing odds.

You have done the impossible, you are mighty.

 

 

Posted in Miscellaneous

Munky in the Morning……

Hoping a happy and fun filled weekend was had by you all in internet land.

I recorded a promo for my upcoming podcast last night… f**k it was awful, bad sound quality congested voice and all that, but I did it, will probably need a better mic, have one coming on thursday, so will look at that then.

Started looking a new furniture for the living room with my wife (The Mighty Rosie), have completed my application for a provisional driving license, so will be able to post that tonight. Things are moving forward. Have spent a lot of time recently reflecting on stuff, thinking about what I need to do, my failures, my goals and all that, that’s all good stuff, that’s all positive things, but to be honest, I feel like being just a little bit trivial today.

Stuff that made me smile.

: Spent a lot of time with my son on the weekend, with binge watching in the mornings, whilst both of us were tired, to all three of us doing a Pokemon Go walk around the docks. It’s been so much fun and get a few days with him over the summer holidays, where it’s just him and me, so looking forward to that.

: Played a fair bit of Lego Marvel Superheroes with the Mighty Rosie and that’s been fun, doing stuff together, blowing s**t up and unlocking things, it’s so much fun.

: Am enjoying modern comics again, which is nice and saw some news from San Diego Comic Com that was fun, well I say news, mostly trailers, the announcements kind of leave me cold, but here’s some choice bits of geekery we have to look forward to.

 

It’s easy to get caught up with the horror of the way the world looks at the moment, fear and despair and all that, forgive me for wanting to look forward to some geek-stuff that I can watch with the Mighty Rosie (I’m sorry, Power Man & Iron Fist are going to be on telly WTF!!!) because I know when I am sitting next to her watching weird or fun stuff, the world doesn’t seem so bad. With just a couple of little bits of fun and joy and hope, we can endure all kinds of stuff we didn’t think we could. We face a world that may have a Trump presidency in the US and a prominent role for Boris Johnson in british politics and an uncertain EU future, but we can endure.

All things are possible, it’s a Monday, but I am feeling positive.

I know I am rambling, but I didn’t promise quality, I promised random musings.

Find some reason to smile, it’s doesn’t have to be deep, I met a dog on sunday, that was nice enough.

Posted in Miscellaneous

Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday: Getting Comfy Talking

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Hi everyone

Been a rough couple of weeks here.

Have discovered I am allergic to rabbits or at least the combination of rabbits and sawdust, have had rough couple of weeks in work, though I’ll admit I know others with more on their plate. I am struggling, but that’s ok.

One of the reasons I am ok, is that I now have developed a distinction between the s**t in my head and the s**t that life is throwing at me, to be honest, that’s a lot of it right now, but that’s all the outside stuff. Work will eventually ease off, medical worries will be addressed and I know, not feel, know that the s**t that’s on me will change. It’ll be replaced with more soon enough I am sure, but it won’t always be this. I am stronger, more so than I have been a while, I am forcing myself to look more to the positive and to acknowledge my own worth and value in a way, I don’t think  I ever have. It’s hard to come to terms with the idea that you have such a low opinion of you and your worth and for so long that you have no real idea how that can be slowed and in time reversed.

A while back I posted the idea of cutting ourselves some slack, that we are more than we think we are, when we are down. I am not sure, but maybe it’s time I started doing that more.

The other thing is a simple one, but one the therapist I am seeing (observe everyone’s lack of surprise) took the idea with her, of setting simple goals and completing them. I have always achieved, but I have always achieved based on what has been expected, or what has been needed, so the setting goals for no one but me is relatively new as an idea. So have been setting some goals for myself recently, have applied for a driving license, got myself a theory test app for my tablet and the more recent idea, is the one I am least comfortable with, doing a podcast.

As I have said on too many occasions, part of the form my comics fandom has taken has been an interest in podcasts and other social media extensions regarding comics and as anyone who has read this blog has noticed, have done quite a bit of comic related blogging, but here’s the thing… it’s very much still in my comfort zone. I am writing, one removed from what I am saying and very much more of a passive thing, since I have written more about more internal stuff, it’s clear I may be too comfy, so I need to do something relating to something out of my comfort zone.

I hate my voice.

It’s a bit nasal, higher pitched than I’d like and my accent is stronger recorded than when I speak, how uncomfortable would I be to record my voice and post it? Lets find out. So I’m doing a podcast, have downloaded audacity, ordered a new sound card and just now bought a digital voice recorder. Will start with doing a version of MyMarvelLife, my comics blog and will see where this goes. It may be a new branch of my online presence, or just a one off thing to prove I can do it, I don’t know. But it’s a positive thing that fear and low self confidence has stopped me from doing. If I can do this, if I can learn my driving theory, what else can I do.

I don’t know what I am going to do next, but this feels like a positive.

Will keep you posted internet people.

Ta Ta for Now

 

Posted in The MIGHTY Rosie

That feeling you get, when you are Home.

It’s be ten years, since I met my wife (the MIGHTY Rosie) and it’s been a hell of a decade.

She picked me up out of the misery that was my life and showed me how it could be. There’s been problems, there have been challenges and it’s not always been a smooth happy ride, some of it has been hard, but none of that has been because of her. With her it was easy, she was easy to talk to, easy to trust, easy to be around and above all, easy to love. It’s been so long, but somehow it hasn’t. Seeing her today whilst at work, made my day as it ever has, she is still the finest person I know, my best friend, my hero, my soul mate and a woman I convinced to marry me. We compliment each other, we challenge each other and we make one another laugh and that’s as true as it’s ever been. I don’t want to think about who I’d be if we hadn’t met, but I don’t think I’d like that guy, she has made me a better man.

If you have a significant other in your life, do me and you a favour, tell them what they mean to you, never let your heart be a secret from them. You never know the future, but if you’re smart, you know what you have. What I have is a woman who took a geeky, emotionally repressed, shy and awkward loner and helped him become a husband and father, trying to be better. Still geeky like, but hey if it ain’t broke.

I love her more each day, I love her more, because of each day. I am grateful for her love and her friendship and will do all I can, to be worthy of both.

She is my northern star, when I see her, I know where home is, because wherever she is, that’s home.

Now some you-tubey things, with my wife in mind, if for no other reason that I should reward her actually reading this (she’s wonderfully supportive of my blog and often shares or passes it on)

 

For that, go to 2:20

We all have those who make our lives worth more, if we don’t it’s what we look for.

Every moment with my Rosie is a moment worth seizing.

Ta ta for now internet people.

 

Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 13: Unlucky for some

Been a long week, dealing with s**t at work, worries about my wife (The Mighty Rosie) and her health, concerns about my son ( which fortunately seem to be resolving) and my usual battle with my self worth and depression. IT would be easy this week to call it a bad one and feel just a little bit sorry for myself.

 

Won’t be doing that, and I’ll tell you why.

1: I bit my time on the treadmill at 10.5 miles an hour by another minute and absolutely crushed it at gym. I am quite sore today, so I earned that feeling.

2: On Wednesday, my 5 year old boy told me what had been bothering him, I calmly talked him through it, soothed his fears, told his school about it and told my wife that it was done. At a time I fear I am failing all the things in my life, Wednesday, I nailed the parenting part.

3: I am making more positive steps forward, am booking a holiday, getting new glasses and dressing better, even making more of an effort to shave more often.

4: Me and the Wife have been eating better, less take-aways and more cooked at home stuff.

5: Playstation 4.

We picked one up on Monday and I enjoyed it, so much fun, played Lego Star Wars Ep 7 and that was a LOT of fun

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but Wednesday night we did this….

 

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Damn that was fun. We worked together, we laughed, we broke stuff and it felt very much like the us we used to be. Fun, we miss it when it’s gone, so why let it go?

We all need to have some fun, something silly, trivial, even ridiculous, it’s even better if it’s something you can share.

 

Every day is a struggle, every day it’s like a fight, but days like this, are days when I am winning the fight.

 

I’ve been knocked down, but I haven’t been knocked out, I’m still in this fight. If you know someone battling their own demons, tell them they’re doing well, that you’re on their side. We all need someone in our corner.

And for no reason, monkey pics

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Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 12: The Dirty Dozen

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Friday again and it’s been hard earned. Have worked hard this week, both in and out of work and feel like I have earned every second of my weekend.

 

At gym last night, was boxing, punching s**t out of a bag for a while helped me with this week. Whilst I am worried about my wife (The Mighty Rosie) and her health worries, while I am anxious about how all the stuff happening with me and the missus affects my son and as the economy has another seizure I worry about where the country is going and all this and more.

 

It’s Friday. I have things to do this weekend, most of all, am going to feel better about myself. The world offers so many reasons to fear, to be angry, to be frustrated and so on. But today I want to do this.

 

Top 5 Reasons to be happy off the top of your head.

 

It’s raining, but am indoors.

It’s Friday afternoon.

Am glad to be part of this blogging community

I have an amazing wife

It’s my son’s sports day, boy loves to run and am so proud of him.

 

Try it yourself, don’t overthink it, just what makes you happy right now.