Relapse

It’s been a long time since I have been here, but here I am again.

After a couple of months of teetering, I collapsed under the weight of all the shit in my head. My stress, my anxiety, a touch of middle-age crisis and all together with our old friend thanatophobia. I am having obsessive thoughts, dwelling in fear and self pity again and I feel broken again.

I don’t mind admitting to you internet people, this is my own particular hell. But there is hope. I have been in touch with a therapist recommended by my old therapist Paula (a wonderful woman, but am not going to Warrington to see her, so someone more local was needed) I have started eating healthier again (16lbs so far) and am doing everything I can to beat these demons that infest my mind.

It’s not going to be easy, it’s not going to quick, but I have beaten this before and will do it again, or at least do a more thorough job of it. As always I am supported by the MIGHTY Rosie and with her on my side, I feel I can do anything.

If you are going through a hard time yourself, I feel for you, but there is a place beyond this and with communication, help and the right mindset, these demons can be battled.

There is a place beyond this, every positive choice I make, is one step towards it.

That above phrase is stuck on my wall at work, I need it there.

There’ll be more to be said, but that’s not for today, today is about admitting that I am in a crisis and I need help. Sometimes we all do.

Take care of yourselves internet people, take care of each other too.

 

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Musings on miserable Monday 5: Administrative B*****ks

This morning, have deleted a blog I was writing called 90’s comics forever. Between the difficulties in using the blogspot sites as opposed to WordPress as well as the lack of interest from anyone, including me, I deleted it this morning.

Am probably going to put it all on here, provided the back ups work.

 

Munky Musings on a Miserable Monday 4: I Will Not Stay Down

Monday is here again internet people.

I’m in work (on a break, clearly) and the day is not going well. Under normal circumstances, this would leave me down, or frustrated. Not today, today I am soaring in spirit.

I finished work last week on the Wednesday afternoon. This is the busiest time of the year for me, but I took two days off to spend with my son.

4:58 pm “Stress, stress, deadline!”

5:01 pm “Time to go home!”

5:03 pm “Zero Fucks Given!”

So on the Thursday, had time with my son, got a haircut with him, got some lunch, bought some comics and had some Dad n’Lad time. Then I took him to Spring City. As any who have followed my blog, or know me through another way, know that I have been on a physical well-being kick since new year. One aspect of which is weight-loss and when my son was last at Spring City (which is a trampoline based activity centre) I was over a stone heavier than the maximum to use the trampolines. Thursday, I was two stone under it. So me and the boy went bouncing. It should be illegal how fun that was. Bouncing, tumbling, dodgeball and it was the best hour of that week. After this, I went to gym and enjoyed a somewhat punishing session. On Friday, I spent the day in with my exhausted boy, but not before getting some food in so I could do tea that night. We had fun and I managed to organise my comics, trade and hardbacks, so that I can turn the spare room into somewhere we don’t call the ‘dangerous room’. Seriously for three years that’s what we’ve called it. I even cooked that night, spicy reggae chicken with rice salad, which although had too much lemon juice, was a lot better than my last attempt. That was a good end to the week, but it was not over yet.

Went to slimming world (see https://misfitmunky.wordpress.com/2017/04/22/slimming-world-saturday-15-phoenix-rising/) and then went swimming. Been going to meetings and weigh-ins over a swimming pool for 3 1/2 months and only now gone swimming afterwards, bonkers. After some gentle prodding from the MIGHTY Rosie, pushed myself in swimming and swam more than I have in  a couple of years and for just one brief second, I got swimming, I understood why people did it so much. Then it was gone, but I want to do it again, swim more, swim further. We’ll be back again at the weekend though. Sunday, was another good day. Well eventually. My son woke me at 4:50am and for reasons I’ll skate over, I couldn’t just go back to sleep, so I started watching Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D series 4 and 6 episodes in, it’s better than it was last year, I’ll give it that. Then I went to gym, just me and my trainer Ali and when he took a break for a second, with no one else in the gym, I pulled myself up on a bar. Then I did it again. Then moving my arms, I did a more traditional chin up/pull up. Now I am not a physical guy and I have never done stuff like that. But I was seen by Ali and I then did it for him. I did 33 pull ups, getting my chin over the bar. 33! That beats my personal best by…… 33.  I couldn’t believe I did it. I also did jogging for the first time in a year and 50 raised push ups.

That was the point I realised something. My breakdown took so much from me, it has damaged my relationships, it has hampered my work life, it took my trust in myself and my self image. It also took my sense of “Fuck it, why not?” Where I’d try new things, push myself a bit more and yesterday, I felt like I got it back. I’m paying for it now like, in agony today and can barely move my arms, but there it is. Whenever I was asked what I wanted in this recovery, my answer was ‘a better me’ and now I felt like that was there, just for a bit it was there. I want more.

There’s an exercise called the salmon ladder, where you do pull ups and travel up a frame with a bar, doing jumps. There’s also in the gym I use, a ladder like frame for the same thing. I think I had some goals to set here.

I often say that we are more than we feel we are, I can say that today, quite honestly speaking from my own experience. 3 Months ago, none of what happened would have happened I am already becoming a better version of me.

I’m not done yet.

That’s why I can smile today.

Ttfn Internet people

Munky Musings on a Miserable Monday 3: Cyclops’s wobbly head

Hey there internet people, Munky here. This is where I tell you all the struggles and issues that have come up this weekend, or gripe about the state of the world or some stuff like that.

You know what? Can’t be arsed. I turned 40 on Friday and really enjoyed myself. Had a wake up from my favourite people, my excessively excited son (who was happier about my birthday than his) and the Mighty Rosie. After taking my boy to school I took some birthday money (a weird thing to get after you’re 21) and went on a ridiculous spending spree. After failing to buy any comics or trades (I know, right?) I bought a load of Blu-Rays and some of those Funko Pop vinyl figures.

 This one is a bobble head too.

It was nice to just treat myself. Could I have bought myself something useful, practical, or lets be honest age appropriate? Yes. Did I? No. Because I was trying to be nice to me. After a wander around, I went home, watched some Kamen Rider and then went to dinner with my boy, the Mighty Rosie, Mad Hev (her sister) and Hev’s husband and two kids. It was one of the better birthday meals I have ever had. I had a lovely time and really celebrated my birthday. The next day, I had a day with the Mighty Rosie and we went to see Doctor Strange. It was …. ok. It wasn’t the best in the world, but even a an ok Marvel movie is better than a lot of other films. On the sunday, spent loads of time with my son, before back to work this morning. Why am I telling you this? Because it’s what I wanted to do.

Benefits of getting older? Not many from what I can see, but perspective is one. I now realise that the happiest way to be is the zero fucks way. I am an adult, but many (due to my hobbies and overall silliness) may not think of me as a grown up. But how do I feel about it? No fucks asked for, so no fucks given. One of the ego states of Transaction Analysis (Yup, therapy again) is the Parent. That’s the state that tells you off in your head and pushes other people’s ideas and ideals upon you. The more I think about this, the more I realise that my geeky interests are only embarassing, because I allow them to be. I post geeky stuff, write geeky stuff, I wear comic book tee-shirts (got a compliment about one on sat) and even have a comic character tattooed on my right arm. I am very at home with what I like. There’s a ton of comic related merch around the place now, but if there wasn’t so much, I’d still get some.

The point to all this is….. Be you.

Like what you like, do what you enjoy. The judgement of other people can never be as bad as the shit you put yourself through. It’s only their actions that matter. Someone can think you are stupid for liking something, collecting something, reading something etc etc. But here’s the thing, you’re right. Whatever your opinion of something is, if you enjoy it, you’re right. We are surrounded by fears, by worries, by obstacles and by the intolerance and prejudice of others. If there’s something that you enjoy that maybe makes up for it, or distracts you from it, then that’s your thing and you owe no one else. If you have people in your life, share it with them rather than use it to avoid them. If you think that fishing is the best thing, it is. If it’s football (or the American or Australian versions) then you are right. Shit, if it’s My Little Pony, that’s cool too. It’s all ok. This whole acting your age thing is what other people put on you. I am responsible when I need to be, other than that, why should I be any thing other than my silly self? I have never acted my age before, don’t see the point in starting now.

Who and what we love matters, but mostly only to us. It becomes someone elses business when it directly affects others in a harmful way. We shouldn’t feel guilty for liking something, no matter what.

There’s a list of things wrong with me, I could state them, chapter and verse, but who I love and what I like to do isn’t one of them.

There’s a voice on our heads that tell us that who we are and what we are about is wrong. It’s time we turned to that voice and said shut the fuck up!

Whenever I need to remember that, am going to tap the top of Cyclops’ head and watch him bob up and down.

Munky Musings on a Miserable Monday 2: Find your Five

 

It’s been a hell of a couple of weeks I’ll be honest. Crap from all sides, no end of stress in sight, the worst part of it was it made having two days off last week from work, a bad thing. WTF? When did time off become a bad thing? Had some time off with my boy on Wednesday, we did a shop around town and then a trip to the world museum in Liverpool, not to be mistaken for the museum of Liverpool. Back to work on Thursday and a horrible day was had there. What made matters worse was that my water bottle leaked inside my gym back, ruining my phone, card reader and a dozen comics I had in my bag, so that told you what my day was like, the next day I was told I eat too loudly in work, yup, I have that kind of boss.

Have had to replace my phone (again) and it’s a little like a shitty weekend too. I have my last therapy session on Wednesday and that’s a load of mixed feelings right there. Needless to say, it’s been a unusual few days. I’d be forgiven for starting this week with a more morose look on life. But you know what? F**k IT!!

Today is Monday, start of the week, best time for a better attitude to start the week.

So lets do some positives.

My son turned 6 on saturday, I’ve been a dad for 6 years and on the whole, loving it. Despite some friction due to his not listening and tiredness on all sides, it’s been less fun, but got cuddles before I left for work, so that’s a positive.

Started reading the Ultraverse comics from the early 90’s, some decent stuff in there and can’t wait to read a little more.

Started watching Cougar Town again with my wife (the Mighty Rosie) and enjoying that more second time round.

Getting new windows today, that’s a positive also.

Next week am going to start a writing course.

Sometimes, it’s the little bits of things that matter, the big stuff is just there, health, work, extended families and stuff like that. The little stuff are the things that matter most

Challenge, find five things today that were positives, just five, not matter how much of a stretch. Because those five things might be what today is all about.

Here’s mine

New Phone works well

Boss is away, so work is better

Sun is shining

Discovered new podcasts

and the big one … The Mighty Rosie and my son are at home today, so will be able to see them in less than 3 and a half hours.

Find your Five internet people.

 

 

Munky Musings on a Miserable Monday

Hey there internet people.

Been a while, have felt the need to withdraw from blogging for a week or two, to clarify what I want this blog to be and what I want to put in it, to be honest I still have little idea, which is why the subtitle of this blog is Random Musings of a Liverpool Loon, random seems to be as good an idea as any.

Life seems no easier than before, but then again, I suppose I do not expect it to be. After a week or more of the great reorganisation regarding my comics and graphic novels, I have started again to enjoy my hobby. Anyone with a collector in their lives know how they can do this grand reorganisation thing, losing themselves in the cataloguing and organising of their treasured items. The argument could be made that I have too many, but comic fandom is often described as a crippling addiction. (copyright Michael Bailey http://viewsfromthelongbox.blogspot.co.uk/)

I’ve found work so hard and demoralising recently, the stresses and pressures getting the best of me several times last week and low moods striking from time to time. It has been hard work just getting through some days, but the other way of seeing it is, I got through them. My wife (the Mighty Rosie) is struggling with her health at the moment, which is affecting her moods as well, my heart breaks because I can’t help her as much as I want to, nor can I find one of the problems in her work (the massive arsehole Mr JW) and express my feelings for how he has treated her with an iron bar. Well I can, but have been asked not to.

I am working hard to put a positive spin on things, not that it’s working all too well. But I keep going, because I can. I have come to the conclusion that since I don’t know what my life looks like without depression, since I have had issues my entire life it seems, I don’t know what ‘well’ looks like, so instead my goal should be to be at a point where I can live me life, solve problems as they arrive and restructure my life to make it more of a positive thing. Today, that’s as easy and as hard as getting through work without screaming obscenities at my line manager.

Today isn’t a good day, it doesn’t have to be.

Saturday morning, my son and I sat cuddled up on the big chair and watched s**t on YouTube.

I keep trying and will re-double my efforts to post more frequently, for me as much as anything else.

Ta ta for now