Posted in Mental Health Struggles

Cut yourself some slack…..

images (1) kind to others hard on self


Had therapy yesterday, was so anxious about it, had to pull myself out from a  panic attack before I went. I know I have to look deal with stuff, but doesn’t mean I have to look forward to it.

One of the many things that came up was, I have a problem with someone, I s**t all over his achievements, point out all his flaws and harp on about them and generally make their life something of a misery. That person is me. I wouldn’t speak to anyone the way I think of myself, but somehow I carry that on. I wear clothes to death, because buying them for me, seems somehow a waste. Have worn the same glasses for 4 years, because that’s a lot of money to spend on me. How messed up is that?

A podcast me and my wife (The Mighty Rosie) used to listen to, it was called (Rachel & Miles X-Plain the X-Men) and they coined the phrase ‘Angry Claremontian Narrator’ to describe narration. The caption boxes would almost shout at the characters. Inside my head is the angry internal monologue. After going back to work and enjoying another s****y work day (end of the month stress) it occurred to me that my therapist was right. I really should take it a bit easier on myself.

It raised a point, shouldn’t we all cut ourselves some slack. We’re all trying to get through this, we all have our struggles. Getting this far, should be a success, not a failure.

So remember…

You are worth the effort.

You’re doing ok.

Reward yourself from time to time, pay yourself for the work you do.

I tell you this, so maybe I will remember myself.

We all have value, we all have worth.

As an aside, these are the music videos my son watched this morning……


We all need silly in our lives

Posted in Miscellaneous

The people have spoken, they seem to have said something stupid, but they have spoken

I’m disappointed with the people of Britain. By a thin majority, the population has voted to leave the EU. I would’ve hoped that the fear-mongering and outright deception would’ve been recognised for what it is, but sadly no. No matter how high we soar, their’s still that undercurrent of ‘bloody foreigners’ that always seems to pull us back down.

Control of our borders was a big part of this debate, certainly the only one that the media focused on during this campaign (one of the most negative and divisive ones I have ever seen) and that is always a far right go to place. Thing is WE ARE ON A F***ING ISLAND! You’re never going to prevent people coming in and people will always flee poverty, oppression and war. We are a safe, fairly prosperous country, people want to be here and therefore they will, legally or not. There’s always the..’taking out jobs’ rhetoric. Thing is, if a newcomer to this country, who can barely speak English can take your job, him doing that isn’t your biggest problem.

I think I just wanted to rant. As a country, we have made a stupid decision based on fear and we have no idea of the full consquences of this decision. This generation and the one to follow are just going to have to make the best of it.

On the positive, the sniping, lies, pointless debates and fear-mongering are over, well at least for this topic.

Ta ta for now internet people.

Posted in Mental Health Struggles

Just keep swimming

I worry about things, I worry too much, always have, probably always will.

I have a therapy session tomorrow and an eye-test, both things I have been putting off, so today I am feeling somewhat anxious. My instinct is to avoid, to defer or something like that. One thing I have learned, my instincts are s**t.

Have started joint gym sessions with my wife (the Mighty Rosie, who is at present feeling less than Mighty) which I enjoy, we support each other in most other elements of life, so this is just another thing (our health and fitness) that we’ve stumbled doing ourselves, but can help one another better. We compete, we give eachother s**t and push each other that little bit further. Reminding me that a lot of the things that stall or block us, are simply in our minds.

With that thought in mind, I was reminded of a post I did a while back about a VERY obscure comic character, the post is here

The interesting thing here, is that it’s about a masked hero, who suffers PTSD, he gets his a$$ handed to him, then can’t bring himself to put the suit on for 5 years, until forced to by circumstance. A theme to the story was the power of the mind over the body, he had a mantra “I can, I must, I will.” Little else from that story stuck as well as those words, I feel tired today, it’s hard to muster up the energy to do anything at all really, but I can, I must, so I will.


You are all stronger than you think you are, braver than you believe. If you can need to keep going you can, you must keep going, you will keep going, because through all the s**t in our lives, there is one of those moments, that make you smile.

This morning my son and I passed a small red car with several black polka dots on it, I said it looked like a ladybird and the next few minutes were spent talking about other times he saw a ladybird, after a big hug, he went into school. Those moments are the prize for not giving up. So while I am tired and worn down, my spirit is up and I will get through this day.


I’ll be honest, I had no idea what I was writing here, I just want to keep getting something down.

Ttfn internet people.

Posted in Mental Health Struggles

You and I have WILDLY differing opinions on fun.


At the gym last night, had a very heavy session with Ali (man that sounds dirtier than it should) worked out so hard, that by the time I got home I was throwing up and crashing hard. Evidence there of the many years of neglect of my body. That said, I felt I achieved something yesterday, felt that it was worth the time it took to get there and the work I put in.

I need to put the work in more, in many elements of my life. But it can’t be all bad, I am going back tonight for more. I realise there are life skills, that I never really picked up whilst younger, my low self esteem and depression have taken their toll and I need to start making some bigger changes to how I live and what I live for. Time for new ideas.

One such thing is a list of goals to achieve, things I need and something called a vision board. I don’t see the point, but I am getting to the opinion that my way doesn’t work and I need different ways to do stuff.

But this is positive post, I ran at 10 miles an hour longer than I ever have before, it is Friday and my best friend and soul mate is working with me to improve our lives. It is never too late to do better.

But you do have to start.

Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 11: I refuse to hate

images (2)


Hate seems easy. Don’t believe me? Turn on your tv, read a paper, spend ten minutes on the internet, follow politics in any way. Hate is easy, so as a result, a lot of people do it.

Mass shootings over hate, death threats over disagreements. There are fandoms, supporters and other ‘factions’ of all kind of things fighting with one another. I’m tired of it all.

But here’s the thing, we learn hate. Fear is inherent, anger is reactive, love is instinctive, but hate is something we pick up. It divides us, it changes those we are different to, to the ‘enemy’. I think about these things and I ask, do I have an enemy? I have a line manager that I disagree with, but that’s more a clash of personality types and my own distrust of authority. Are immigrants my enemy? England is a flawed and often sh***y  country, if you want to come here, things aren’t going well where you were are they. Someone wants to make a life here, will work hard doing cr***y jobs for minimum wage and will be glad to do so, is that someone’s enemy? If you feel that someone who is fleeing poverty or war is a threat to you, that doesn’t say much about them. Is Europe my enemy? I don’t see how lots of countries working together hoping to make solutions to large problems and helping support one another is my enemy. Is Islam my enemy? No, nor is Budhism, Christianity, Judaism or anything else I don’t believe in that promotes the idea of being good to each other, which is something I do agree with. There are conflicts in this world, clashes between armies and groups and there are people to fear, but that’s not the same thing as enemies.

The news tells me to fear immigrants, muslims, people on benefits, political correctness, they push the idea that we should see them as other. I don’t agree, we are all one thing, people. I am often distrustful of people, cautious of people, but I don’t hate them. I don’t have time for hate, too busy looking at what else there is to do.

Next week is a referrendum on this countries membership in the European Union. I was unsure about my vote, what were the benefits, pros/cons, that sort of thing. Then I got a leaflet giving me the #leave side of things. There was the usual interference/sovereignty issues and the costs, but it was telling me that several new countries were joining. The idea that more countries coming together to help one another and have a greater political strength when dealing with the rest of the world was a bad thing. Do we hate foreigners so much, that we want to wall our selves off from them? Whether we like it or not, we are in Europe, being in the EU gives us more of a voice. We have more workers rights that we used to paternal leave is more. we have adoption leave, slightly higher minimum wage and other changes that were not gifts, they were fought for, by people all over the EU.


I am not going to tell anyone what to think, how to vote or what to feel, but I am going to vote based on what I think and not take my ball and go home based on disliking immigrants. By the way, it goes both ways, we can go there too. Nothing stopping you buggering off to Spain, or Holland to have a go at a better life. Nice to have that option isn’t it?


My point is, that decisions and judgements based on hate are very rarely the right ones.

Try something, go a day without that word. Try not to use it to express a feeling.

I hate this becomes I don’t like this, that sort of thing.

Hate seems easy, just as easy is compassion.

Hate isn’t a thing we feel, it’s a thing we do. It’s a bad habit, we should probably stop.

It’s a miracle how much lighter we feel, when we stop holding these grudges and carrying this anger.

Gotta go, Fridaying to be done.


Ttfn Internet people.

Thoughts are always welcome.

Posted in Miscellaneous

Well it’s wednesday, made it this far


Yesterday, as part of a father’s day thing at my son’s school, any dads who could attend, got a massage from their son/daughter. Lost newsletters and work have prevented me and my wife (The Mighty Rosie) from doing this sort of thing in the past, so was glad to get this chance to attend.

As massages go, it was done by a 5 year old, but the fact they did it is worthy of note. So much today is about not doing stuff, or being closed off from each other, making us afraid to be open and caring. The reasons for this are numerous and many are valid, but that’s not what this is about. The fact they teach this is remarkable. The idea originated in sweden I think, through this massage, the kids are encouraged to comfort one another and be more emotionally expressive. We too often are separated from those around us and feel alone, this is a counter to it. The best thing about this is the first part “always ask permission” right there at 5, they are taught the idea of consent. Considering how messed up some adults are and the terrible things they often do, this is a good thing to have ingrained in them at an early age. Them doing this, gives me the idea that not all our mistakes and sins need be passed to the next generation, maybe they’ll be a bit smarter than we were.

As this country heads to a tense referendum and the US heads into a very polarising general election, we are so often reminded of the s**t that divides us. I got a leaflet about the leaving the EU campaign and it said that more countries were joining the EU, several million more people. As if that in itself was inherently bad. Of all the issues I could take with the EU, it being big and full of foreigners isn’t really one thing I worry about. We are told to hate, commanded fear and far too often, we obey and we think that is living in the real world.

I call bulls**t.

I sat in a room yesterday, filled with dads who took time off work to come in and get massages off 4 and 5 year old kids and then take them home early. That was a room full of love and devotion at both ends, with teachers who work damn hard for too little pay teaching kids stuff that we really should already be teaching them. That is the real world too. I am not naive, I know the dangers in this world, fear is a presence in all our lives as it has been since we were cave people. But there is a world where we need to fear the foreigner, legislate against people for minor differences and view even people we know as potential threats to our ‘way of life’ , whatever that means. There is also a world, where we work together to solve problems, where people try to prevent fear by speaking about the things we fear, where demagogues and loons seeking office are opposed, where our children can be taught to love, to feel, to care and most of all to think for themselves. I know which world I want to live in.

When we are called upon to vote, should we ask, what am I afraid of? Or what do I want? Or is a better question, what is the right thing to do here? People have voted with their fears and their wallets being the main thoughts. Well look where that got us. I’m going to vote next with my conscience.

We live in a world of wonders, don’t let those who want something from us, force us to paint it in blood and s**t.

Inane ramblings over for now, see you later internet people.

Posted in Miscellaneous

A tragedy, pure and simple

Been back from holiday for two weeks now, the holiday high has worn off and we are back to reality. My sleep patterns are a bit weird, making mine the best in the house, my wife’s insomnia is causing concern and my son is exhausted. Then there’s the news which is full of fluff, football and fear mongering.

Then there’s Orlando. 50 shot and killed by one man and all you can see on social media is blame, posturing and politics. The fact they were gay is secondary to the fact they were people, innocent lives lost for no reason at all. The fact the shooter was muslim, is also secondary to the fact that he murdered over four dozen people and horrifically harmed many many more. This isn’t a case of white privilege, but an acknowledgement that maybe we shouldn’t be looking for the message or the ‘narrative’ of this tragedy and just realise that’s what this is, a tragedy. My heart goes out to the families and loved ones of those lost.

I don’t know anyone involved, nor have I been anywhere near Florida, am  not gay, or muslim or any group connected to it, but I am sorry for what has happened, fathers and sons, brothers and boyfriends, uncles and nephews, friends and neighbours have died and we are all lesser for this happening. If I were one to pray, I would. Maybe what I will do, is realise life is fragile and we should treat each other with dignity and decency, because whether there is a god, or whatever he wishes to be called, we’re all on this world together at the moment and we should try to act like it.

I don’t know what the point of my post is, I very rarely do. I just wanted to write something about this, because it’s happening far too often not to notice. Oh, by the way, if you are using social media to express anything other than sadness or outrage at this senseless waste of innocent life, you’re part of the problem, sort yourself out, the rest of us will be in the 21st century.

We should be better than this, we should treat each other better than this.