Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles

Feelings on a Friday 39 – Am on the positivity train, well am hanging on to the caboose

2020 was a year that wreaked havoc on the world at large. No one can deny that. No one was spared from being affected by the dumpster fire that year became very quickly. I do have to admit though, personally 2021 seems to be carrying that theme forward.

Just in the last couple of months, there have been two things on the in-law side that have been upsetting for all involved and that is all I can and will say about that. There have been house issues at my parents place, which are mostly resolved. There’s been upheaval in work (which I mentioned here in Stuff in my head – Or goodbye chief ) and I have been ill more than usual for this time of year. Without CoVid, that would be enough. But the Corona virus hasn’t left us yet. 

On the positive side, I have had both vaccination jabs, for those of you who are anti-vaxxers I respect that you have concerns over vaccines, but I made the right choice in that regard. It’s all done now. But there have been three CoVid scares at my work. One or two at the MIGHTY Rosie’s work and one at the extended family. Which is why I can be writing this post at 10:20am. SuperSam has to self-isolate and that means no work for me. I should be happy about this, three day weekend and all that. But it’s one more thing that CoVid has taken aware from this family. The weather in July so far has been spotty, but when it’s nice, it’’s very nice and we’re stuck in. I know that’s a little first world problems and all, but it’s what’s in my head today. 

It’s an ongoing feeling that this year hasn’t stopped. 2020 was the year of WTF? 2021 seems to the year of Dammit, now what? I feel, not broken exactly, but beaten down and the hits keep on coming.

So what can I do? Well I am doing it, am getting it out of my head and onto the printed page and that helps. I am going to spend the day with my boy and that also helps and whilst I don’t like letting work down, I am not in work today, so that is a hat trick of positive steps to make this day my own.

As a further attempt to get onto the positivity train (trademark MrsFilthy my ex-work wife) I am going to find my 5. 5 Positives to keep all the negatives away.

So here goes

1: Not in work, which means a sleep in and comfier shoes.

2: The sun is shining and we have a back yard.

3: There is food and drink in the house and there’s plenty to do.

4: The weekend has started early.

5: I heard this week that comic marts will be coming back to Liverpool in August. One of the first things that CoVid took is coming back.

I didn’t really have any thing to say here, but to be honest, I just need to get back into the habit of writing stuff here. I need this, more than I realised I need this.

Thank you for being here internet people. Look after yourselves and each other.

Its all going to be alright, but we need to be reason that it will.

Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles

Feelings on a Friday 38: Weathering the continuing Storm

Hello there internet people.

Been a while since I wrote one of the posts, it was last year in fact. The year has been a long slog of increasingly frustrating circumstances, punctuated by lovely moments and reasons for hope. It has been one of the hardest years work-wise in a long time and I will be honest, it’s been rough.

Outside of work, there’s been medical worries across the family, our recent addition to the family unit (Wilma the WTF Dog) has had a rough go of it, to the extent that the vets know us by sight now. The vets however have been lovely, so there’s that. Our recent trials seem to be levelling off, only fueling the belief that more shit is coming down the pipeline. What next?!? Has been the family response to almost all news we have received. It’s been a rough year and we’re not done yet.

So why post now? What prompts this little bit of time-wastage? Well I’ll tell you. I’m still here. With trips to A&E for both boy and dog as well as the MIGHTY Rosie and a dozen other things besides, I have stayed upright. There is a version of me, from not too long ago that would have buckled under all this. There’s a me that would have retreated into myself, or reacted very differently. There is that version of me, but I am not that version. At least not anymore.

I have weathered much of the storm of this year and it has been and continues to be hard. I have had moments of worry and stress that have moved towards the anxiety and panic attacks of old, but I have done alright. My son was at A&E (SuperSam is fine, but not the best day I can remember) and I was able to cope. There was a crisis with the dog (again, long story short she is also okay) but I was not only able to cope, but be the calm voice that kept my boy from freaking out. Both times I had used the phrase “It’s not okay now, but it is going to be okay.” That’s a bit of a platitude and those that know me know where I get that habit. But it was truly what I believed and truly what ended up being factual.

It’s not okay right now, but it is going to be okay.

I think I just became and optimist. When did that happen?

Maybe it was at the point where I stopped trying to survive and tried to live. Surviving isn’t enough, you have to live and that it what I want. I want to think well of myself, live in a nice place, do nice things with my family and write for pleasure, not to clear the demons out of my head. I want these things for me, I want them for the people I love, hell I suppose I want them for everyone. So how do I get them? What steps to I need to take?

I don’t know all those steps, I suppose like most people, I make things up as I go along. Fortunately for me, the MIGHTY Rosie and I are King and Queen of plan B.

This year has been hard on multiple levels and the strife isn’t over yet, but I will not give up, nor will I lose hope.

It’s going to be okay. For many of us it isn’t, but it will be. It will be better than this, we might just have to fight tooth and nail to get there.

I have been fighting for 5 years and more and I am done yet.

Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles, The MIGHTY Rosie

Feelings on a Friday “37”: Oh Look, a Clerks reference.

Hello internet people, long time no see.

I want to tell you all how well things are going and I want to be honest, can’t do both. It’s been a bit of a ropey few weeks and the need or desire to write had been almost nonexistent.

I don’t know whether or not it’s because I didn’t having anything to say, or just got out of the habit of putting words down, but I stopped doing this. The truth is, I have struggled a bit the last few weeks. Concerns over the MIGHTY Rosie (which I am not going to mention, it not being my tale to tell) and other stuff and it has left me fraught. Added to that Christmas is coming and I have SOOO far from ready for it. Plus there is the thing with the Sci-Fi convention.

<Deep Breath> On the 2nd am off to For the Love of Sci-Fi, a fan convention in Manchester. I am going with my awesome boy and the MIGHTY Rosie on one day and the plan was for a mate of mine to go the second. So then he busted his ankle. He was on the mend and the plan was on track, then a week or so ago, told me that he wasn’t going to be mobile and wouldn’t be able to go for the second day and in my own imitable style made some decisions based on the last minute panic and ended up with a hotel room that cost far too much and a lack of any real organisation over the whole thing has left it a bit of a fiasco. This I’d why by the way the MIGHTY Rosie has done most of our trip planning in the past.

Had it downgraded from a fiasco until the question was asked, what about the dog? So let’s just say I have not been at my best recently. It’s all been sorted and we are about to go to the convention, but my confidence and self esteem have taken a bit of a kicking.

I ended up getting some advice from my personal hero, the aforementioned MIGHTY Rosie. 

No one said it would be easy

There is no written word to say that life in any way shape or form would be easy. No promise of fairness and no reason to expect a smooth ride. I found that both reassuring and motivating. I find it so difficult being just a person in the world, never got the knack of it. I am riddled with doubts and anxieties. But here’s the thing, it’s OK.

It’s going to be okay. The weekend is more of a debacle than fiasco and we are better at plan b than ever with plan a. It’s going to be an adventure and something I wouldn’t have done a year ago. Everyone is looking forward to it, the dog is being looked after and I genuinely think that weekend is going to be fun.
Expect more posts, pictures from the con and at least one embarrassing story. I have weathered many storms before this and Christmas is coming. People tend to just feel a touch happier this time of year and a bit of happy is always welcome.

I’ll be back internet people, because things are about to turn around for me, mostly because I intend to make that happen. 2017 may have been a tumultuous year, but it’s going to have a triumphant December!

Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles

Feelings on a Friday 36: Weary, but have the time for a quick post

It’s a long day.

How long a day? Well am struggling to maintain any kind of positivity. It’s the type of day that I consider getting to start my lunch before 1:45 a win.

Yup, that long a day. It’s the last day of the month, I can see the light at the end of it, but somehow the tunnel seems to be getting longer somehow. I feel weary. That’s the best way to describe it. Not depressed, but just bogged down a bit by it all.

So lets try to find my five positives, because it’s the sort of day that will make them a struggle to find, but when you need them the most.

1: It is Friday. The weekend is here, well almost. There’s relaxation coming.

2: My son is happy. He’s wearing his own clothes, since he donated a bottle of wine. (I know right? Piss up at the primary school tonight!)

3: The MIGHTY Rosie called me at lunch, ill timed perhaps, since I’ve been having a bad morning, but I know that someone whom I love, was thinking about me. That has a power to it.

4: Am halfway through the first month of reduced tablet use. No dramatic change to how I feel, meaning that I am on the right path. I feel positive about this decision.

5: Had two gym sessions this week. Feeling stronger for it and was able to walk from the gym to therapy, so that’s a good 40 mins more exercise than I was expecting to have on the same day.

It’s easier to list what’s going wrong, but it’s the stuff that’s going right that you can remember.

Focus on the positives and remember this, everything that has opposed you so far, has done so, but you are still here. Every single positive step forward is a victory, not against anything, but FOR YOU.

We are all stronger than we believe we are.

Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles

Feelings on a Friday 35: Positive Steps

Hello again internet people.

It’s been a while since I’ve written here. I’ve shared stuff, but not written anything from me for a while.

I’d be lying if I said things had gone great. There’s been tensions, work’s been a nightmare and it’s all felt like it’s getting too much. Have had issues with anxiety, been feeling very down and to be honest unmotivated to do a lot of different things and that’s caused other problems. But here’s the thing of it. When you feel down, it’s very easy to fall into old habits of thinking and go through an old ‘script’ in your mind. There’s a voice, it’s always been there, a voice that is quiet when things are good and clear as day when it’s not. The voice that says “You are not good enough and don’t deserve the good in your life and it will be taken away.” It was upsetting to realise that voice was still very much present, though I don’t have to listen to it now do I?

Things seem to be clearing now, my mind more my own and this week have made got some shit done.

1: Spoke to the doctors, asked for a referral over something and also informed him that of my intention to come off my meds.

2: Took the first step, am reducing them by half for one month.

3: Got a workout routine from my second gym, which while doable is punishing to say the least.

4: Shared that workout with my trainer, who like it and then made sure I suffered for having done it the day before with his own routine.

5: Am going back to slimming world, kinda fell off that recently and am noticing that I have noticed some old cravings returning.

6: Am going to go and clear the backyard out, have been talking about it for a while, but there’s always something else to do isn’t there?

7: Time to start learning to drive, it’s just time to do it, rather than talk about it.

Overall it’s been a rough few weeks for reasons and other reasons and to be honest, there’s that whole when things calm down/start looking better, make these changes. But here’s the thing, that time is never going to happen is it? It’s been hard just doing day to day stuff and I’ve been feeling the weight of it recently. But when that happens, you have to plant your feet and move that weight and get one with your day, I have come a long way, I have further to go, but I have already come so far.

I always tell my son, the only time you fail, is when you give up. Everything else is a set-back.

Be back later internet people.



Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles

Feelings on a Friday 34: More messed up, because I am less messed up

Hello there internet people.

I’m not doing so well today, I am in no way in crisis, nor should anyone be worried. This isn’t a cry for help or anything, but this has been something of a week and it’s worth noting that.

Here’s the kicker, I’m not able to go into detail about why I am upset, or it’s origin. It’s not really solely my tale to tell and some stuff is just a little too close to home to put here. Those who’ve commented and such has shown that you are compassionate and reasonable people, so I am sure that you can understand. It’s the emotional pain itself that has really become the focus.

I am not okay, but that in itself is okay. For a long time in my life, I put pain in a box and hid it away in order to function. I was often unhappy and at times angry, but the sheer weight of the pain was displaced and so it never really hit me as things should. I have spent the last several years trying to change that. To a significant extent I have done that, because I can’t put the pain away anymore. Shit bothers me like it never did before, I am made sad by things more easily and more sad as a result. The wall of dis-association that acted as my armour for many years is gone and that leaves me vulnerable. I don’t like feeling vulnerable.

But lets look at it another way, this is a positive step forward. A great unanswered question was answered and an elephant in the room exorcised. 6 Months ago this would have been a crisis, a risk of backsliding further into depression and being more withdrawn. But I am not, I feel this and I am glad I do. I’m not doing this alone, have a friend I can talk to from time to time, my trainer (the Fabulous Alistair) my wife (the MIGHTY Rosie) as well as a therapist who told me that I stay with her, when not in session and has offered a lot of encouragement in this more recent journey.

I am not okay, but that in itself is a sign of being more okay. What I feel right now will pass, regular life with appear more regular soon enough, but knowing that I am not alone and am stronger than I may have thought is comforting in a time when I need comforting.

That’s pretty much it, but I just want to add, to anyone who reads this, thank you. I mean that, knowing that my words have any kind of audience, even just one person, means something to me.

Also, the weekend I helped put up over 20 pictures in the hallway, all mementos from the last 10 years. It was a lovely reminder that there’s always been a lot more good than bad. Bad makes a splash, causes problems, but it’s the every day good that really matters, if you add up all the tiny positives in your day and look at the negatives, the positives will be more, but we often don’t see it. Sometimes it’s better than we think it is.

Bye for now internet people I’m going to try and get to 5pm and get my weekend on!

Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles

Feelings on a Friday 33: The illusion of a functioning person

Hi there internet people.

It’s been a couple of rough weeks, it’s been a fortnight of despondency, struggle and fatigue for a dozen reasons wrapped up in things going badly. But as I write this (mainly because I am actually writing this) I realise that this fortnight is over and things are looking better. They’re not better, but they look it.

Some stuff came up in therapy this week, it was brought up by the MIGHTY Rosie and was in my mind as I went to therapy and it was the main thing on my mind, so it became the main topic of conversation. There’s details in this, which I am at present not willing to discuss, but in the end it seems like I haven’t really been doing feelings very well.

It’s a weird thing to say. I understand happy, sad, angry (no fucking question there) frustration (the millstone around my neck in more than one way) and so on, but the question became, do I experience them fully? Do I use them correctly? Can I express them well enough to be understood? I used to believe the answer was yes to all three. But I now realise that’s not really the case.

That realisation is both wonderful and horrifying in equal measure. I don’t like the intimation that I can’t fully embrace the human experience in a way I always assumed that I could. But then again, have I not always felt slightly out of place? A misfit? The outsider? Doesn’t that make a lot of sense there?

This may sound sad, like a man realising he is broken. But it’s not. For years I was approximating the stuff I should be living and repressing the rest, but now I realise what I have been doing, it just becomes another thing to change. In the last few years, I have learned despair, misery, fear, but also confidence, empathy and pride. This isn’t the story of my failure, though I know that it’s being written like that. It’s the story of my realisation that I have more to learn, new battles to fight and a new goal to aim for. This is not the story of my failure, far from it.

There’s a quote attributed to Winston Churchill about the second world war that this brings to mind.

“This is not the end, not even the beginning of the end, but it is perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

Time to be a functioning person, rather than the illusion of one.

This is the story of my victory.

Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles

Feelings on a Friday 32: #&@?!!!!!

I would love to say it’s been a good week.

I would also love to be honest.

I can’t do both.

I’ve struggled this week internet people, after an amazing Saturday with the MIGHTY Rosie, it didn’t take long for disrupted sleep, family emergencies and the stress of work to turn my smile upside down back to a  frown. Have been low for most of this week and stuff has been getting to me.

But, and there is always a but. I am moving forward. After a day of holding my tongue at work, this morning I  had a conversation with ‘gisele’ in work and pointed out that a couple of times yesterday, I tried to talk to had my throat jumped down. I didn’t bicker, wasn’t hostile, but I clearly got my point across. Feel better for that and with a comprehensive list of what was outstanding and a more relaxed situation regarding deadlines, I have been hard at it today and am making progress.

Making progress, maybe I should wear that like a badge. Because I am trying, life isn’t much easier, but I am moving forward. To be honest, it feels like it’s not good enough, or more accurately, it feels like I should be further along. I can be a bit OCD (a bit, I am not minimising the effect that obssessive compulsive disorder can have on someone) and that comes with that child-like need to have every neat and tidy and have a clear point where you can say, I am sorted. But that’s very child-state mentality there isn’t it? We’re never done, we are always in a state of becoming. There isn’t a place that I will get to and say, I’m fixed, or I’m healthy. I don’t see that as realistic, but as I walk through this life on my journey, on a more positive path, I can say that even though it hasn’t felt like it this week, I am further along than I have been. We think of these journey as linear things in a straight line, but we’re organic and irrational beings, recovery, integration and positive changes aren’t going to progress mathematically are they? Sometimes we feel that we’re not making progress, that we are in some ways going backwards, but we are not. Whatever pain we are in, is part of that process and we need to move forward. As a reassuring thing, when someone is going through stuff, I often say it’s OK, as in it’s OK that you’re feeling like this sort of thing. I suppose because it’s an easy word to find, since it has little intrinsic meaning. It’s not OK, but it is temporary, like most pain.

I suppose what I am saying is that it’s not been a good week, but you know what? That doesn’t mean it’s not a good life. We are stronger than the pain we feel, than the obstacles within our own minds and stronger than the things that oppose us. If you are struggling, remember this, the word is struggling. We are still becoming, we are not broken. We have never been broken, because broken people aren’t still fighting. If you are battling your demons, then that is what you are doing. Boxers in the ring, we may not take the title, but we won’t go down till the bell rings in the last round.

We are not broken.

We are survivors.

We are more than the evils that beset us, we can and we will stand.


Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 31: Positivity

Hello internet people, it’s been a week.

It’s been a bit of a roller coaster with Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday all having moments with awkward and yet necessary conversations. I won’t lie, was unpleasant. But things that needed to be said by my trainer, my therapist and the MIGHTY Rosie, who I realise I don’t always communicate with enough.

I had a gym assessment last night, finding out that I have lost an inch off my chest, waist, belly, arms and legs. I even had a body fat test (again, unpleasant) but now I can see I have 6% of my body fat, putting me in a still too much, but still much healthier category. My son was in a school play yesterday, which I enjoyed, he was so frightened of being on stage, but you know he belongs there. Work is not so bad at the moment, mostly because one of my co-workers (I refer to her as Giselle for a reason of making the MIGHTY Rosie giggle) has been treating me more like I’m in the trenches rather than an opponent and that has made the atmosphere a little better, or maybe I’m reacting to her better and there’s less tension, or maybe a mix of the two. It doesn’t matter, what does is that it’s the weekend and positives are preparing to be found.

Before I go (I know, blissfully short this one) I have to say that if there is someone in your life, who loves you, respect that, tell them often and show them often that you love them too. There is no truth that goes without saying, no positive that needs to be kept to yourself. The words we don’t say hurt so much more than the ones we do. Those who love us deserve to know our thoughts.

To the MIGHTY Rosie, I love you, you remain my north star and the way home.

Posted in Feelings on a Friday

Feelings on a Friday 30: No one is giving points for neatness

Hello internet people, this is going to get a bit personal.

Not been using this blog too much the last couple of weeks, haven’t really known what to say, so it’s felt that it’s better to say nothing. WRONG! Not talking only causes more problems.

I keep too much inside, I realise that. This past week has been something of a roller coaster. There was some family friction of Wednesday night (22nd) and I spiralled quite sharply. I am nostalgic for a lot of things, but I’ll be honest, the early days of my breakdown are not amongst them. I hit the gym and talked with my trainer and some perspective came. The weekend was also fraught, but after a long and emotional conversation with the MIGHTY Rosie, it came out that I have something holding back my recovery. Medication. It was the first part of my recovery, it came before everything else that I know have and I’m used to taking it, it’s not a thing that crosses my mind too often. But after being on the wrong pills for 3 years and being on pills I’m not 100% sure I need since, it’s become a question of what good they are doing for me, against what side effects they are causing. Is the lack of panic and obsessive thoughts worth the general numbness? (*salutes* General Numbness!) and since the tablets I am on can’t actually alter my thoughts, what are they doing? So really it’s about being so scared of the obsessive thoughts and fears of death and the like, that I have avoided even considering stopping taking the pills.

So you see the dilemma, being off the tablets is the gold ring for where I am in life, but I am so scared of what will happen without them, I haven’t put thought into doing that. So what I did was talk to the MIGHTY Rosie, talk to my therapist and think about it myself and I am going to work on my obsessive tendencies and unhelpful thoughts in therapy for a couple of weeks and then go to the doctors and tell them, not ask them, tell them that I want to reduce my tablets with the goal of cutting them out all together. I don’t mind telling you internet people, I am afraid. I suffer depression and anxiety, scared is not hard to get to. But then again, the tablets and the thoughts being there, they are an obstacle to overcome, an opponent to be beaten. This is no longer a storm to endure, but a battle to fight. I like that a lot better. I have people in my corner and I am now determined to move this forward.

This is a scary process, a long process, but I am confident that it’s one I can get through. My self hatred is strong, my overthinking is strong, but my stubborness, my spite? They are Mighty!

In other news….. I have finally killed my twitter account. While I have promoted this blog on it, I’m getting nothing out of it, so there’s no reason to keep something trivial that fails to bring me any happy. I have also stripped down one of my alternate blogs so that I am no longer sharing these posts there. Since I have the need to write pointless stuff, I have realised that most of my favourite comics/stories/characters etc seem to have their genesis in the 1990’s, I have started another blog where I can talk about them, rather than here.

I don’t have too much else to say, but I will be saying more stuff, putting words to paper have helped me so much this last few years, I need to keep doing it, feeling it or otherwise, so expect more random and incoherent mess soon.


As always thanks to the MIGHTY Rosie, who keeps me on the path and anyone who reads this.