Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous

Random Stuff, banging around in my head

I have been having nightmares.

Work stress has got to the point that my subconscious is affected. Nightmares affect sleep, bad sleep drains you, which makes you more susceptible to unhelpful thoughts and low moods, which affect your subconscious, which can lead to nightmares and so on.

There’s a lot to be stressed about, a lot to be afraid of, from the ongoing co-vid19 crisis which seems to be unending to the events across the pond as yet another racist crime committed by law enforcement has caused protests and riots. We are watching a 1st world nation of great prominence and arguably one of the most important nations in the last century devolve right before our eyes. My heart goes out to people of colour over there and their allies and loved ones and hope change comes from this, because it really needs to, we shouldn’t still be here. The people there deserve better.

But last night I got a training session with my personal trainer Ali. We used equipment in his backyard and kept full social distance between us, but I got to use weights, TRXs and also did lunges and today I am SORE!!!!!

There’s so much to be worried about, so much to fear. But we don’t have to consider that the default. I am enjoying the sweet pain today, pain I earned, pain I appreciate. This lockdown has taken so much from me. It’s taken the freedom to move around, my walk to work/school with my son. It’s taken time with my parents, shopping being a casual activity and not some kind of psuedo-military operation and the ability to hug my parents. It’s cost me a couple of weeks away and so on.

I’m not seeing this as any kind of oppression or anything and don’t want my convenience at the expense of someone’s life or anything like that. But it’s a fact that this current situation has taken stuff off me. Last night, having a training session, it felt like I got something back. I’m paying for it today like, but it’s a price worth paying.

Little is better, work is as hellish as it has been with clients and their employees being as dickish as ever, but I got something back last night. Maybe as lockdown restrictions are lowered, we can get more stuff back.

We will be alright.

We are never as alone as we think we are.

Take care of one another and stay safe.

 

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous

Stuff in my head today

It’s been a while internet people. I haven’t had the time, nor really the inclination to write anything for a while, even my regular projects have fallen a bit by the wayside.

Since I last posted, we are still in lockdown, here in Blighty the government has decided to change their official policy from one of clear advice and instruction to vague handwavy suggestions. So instead of stay at home unless you are in a key or essential job, we have go into work if you can’t work at home, but don’t use public transportation. You can go to the park, but you still can’t go and see friends and loved ones at home, you can see a friend in public, but not be close to them. You can go and exercise as much as you want, but there’s no gyms. It has been somewhat confusing. We are getting daily briefings, but less and less actual information is getting across. So lockdown continues, death-tolls rise and we somehow know even less than we did in the past.

It’s been a scary and also somehow boring time and this has created unique mental health stresses in unexpected places. I am still in work, my work is not healthcare essential, but I am a key worker in that I am in financial services and people still want paying in this situation. With my wife (the MIGHTY Rosie) working from home, it wouldn’t be practical for both of us to do so, so I go to work every day as usual. The unusual is the workload, the constant interruptions and the no knowing when things would get back to normal. Giselle the dept manager was off last week, I can understand that, I genuinely can, but it dropped me and the Disney Princess into a huge vat of the brown stuff. It got so bad that she had a bit of what she called a breakdown on Friday. It was difficult to see that, partially because I know how that feels and no one wants to do that in front of people at work. The other reason is that I couldn’t just go over and hug her. She’s not a hugger really and with people I am not close to neither am I, but I would have anyway except for social distancing. The company’s director (also her brother) came in and offered to do all kinds to help, yet when I spend 2 years complaining about how we are understaffed and over worked, nowt. Still it looks like we are getting help and that sounds like a good thing. But whilst most people are working from home or not working, I am working twice as hard as ever and feeling the strain. I get up, go to work, go home for lunch, go back to work, go home. Every day of the week and I have been feeling the strain.

When the announcement came that schools would re-open early June, my primary though was “that’s nice, but my son won’t be going in.” We’ve something like the highest infection rates in Europe and we need to be sending children into places were social distancing won’t be viable. Have you tried keeping 4 year olds away from one another? Try it, it’s like herding cats. Even if children aren’t catching it as much, they’ll still carry it from their homes to one another and this looks likely to increase the rate of infection. Science may not back me up, but it still seems too soon to be doing this and it be safe. It turns out that our city Mayer agrees and Liverpool (along with Hartlepool) have chosen to defy this June return date. Our city has decided not to reopen schools on the basis of public safety. I am in the position of being proud of a political body in this country. That is a bizarre feeling I must admit. The safety and well being of my son has been my focus in this era, getting him to focus on reading and learning while he is off, making sure he keeps social distance from everyone, even his devoted grandparents and trying to manage his hayfever in an increasing warm climate is the thing that I am focused on, so I don’t see him going back to school straight away, even if other kids do. It does make me look like a bit of an anti-vaxxer, but I get the feeling that this is an unprecedented enough situation to get me the benefit of the doubt, I want his life to get back to normal as soon as possible, but never at the expense of his well being and safety.

So these are the things that are going through my head right now, well at least some of them and I felt the need to get these things out there. But here’s the thing, it’s not all doom and gloom and I feel like I need to get some positives out there.

1: My love of comics has made a resurgence, despite all of the local comic shops being closed and the distribution being stopped, I have been re-reading lots of comics as well as using the sales at Comixology to enjoy new things. DC comics have started doing digital first comics, 17-22 page one and done comics that aren’t so continuity heavy and aimed at younger and laspsed readers. They have been really entertaining and at 80p per issue, really well priced. Superman, Batman, Aquaman, Wonder Woman and the Flash all have one and I have been really enjoying them. I think there is a Swamp Thing and a DC Girls one too, but I haven’t been reading those.

2: Local shops have become a staple of my shopping in a way that they haven’t  been for years. There’s a bakers that sells the cream soda that you used to get from the lemonade van that used to visit the streets where I lived during my childhood and that’s been a lovely slice of my childhood brought back. I have also spent money at a butchers and a fruit and veg shop nearby as well as several corner shops and newsagents, rather than visit Asda or Tesco and deal with queues and shortages. Asda and companies like that will be fine, so these smaller outfits need our support and our £s.

3: Delivery businesses. There are local firms that deliver fruit & veg and others that do cakes and treats and as a result I have had some lovely cupcakes recently. I know I should be eating better right now, but damn that’s been some tasty stress eating.

4: Whilst I have not been able to binge watch TV, I have been able to enjoy what has been available and will be posting about that soon enough, but I have been able to enjoy a re-watch of How I Met Your Mother with SuperSam and the MIGHTY Rosie, a Power Rangers re-watch with Super-Sam and Grey’s Anatomy with the MIGHTY Rosie. I also watched the ‘documentary’ Chris Claremont’s X-Men, which I found interesting.

5: I have started exercising in the morning, some pull ups, push ups and stuff and now have a fitness tracker on my wrist (wow that’s a high pulse rate) and it’s kept my physical well being close to the front of my mind, which it should have been anyway and that early exercise has helped start my days off well.

6: My people. From the extended family I can only contact via social media, to my family (the aforementioned MIGHTY Rosie and SuperSam together with Lottie the Loopydog) my people have been the best thing about all this. SuperSam is reading stuff that I have given to him and we are walking the dog together and enjoying one another’s company. The MIGHTY Rosie and I are talking more and whilst we are both suffering in our mental health, we are talking about it more and being more of a team than we have in years, a year ago things were falling apart, but now even with the world ending outside our door we are good with and for one another.

7: It’s going to be okay.

I am not by nature an optimist, I suffer from anxiety and depression and as a result the negative is never too far away, but I honestly believe it’s going to all work out. The pandemic has exposed the ‘leaders’ in this world as being as uncaring as we feared, that the system is rigged against us and that all we are in reality all just in it together. But we are all in this together. Strangers say hello from 6 feet away, “Stay safe” has become the new “see you later.” We finally recognise our healthcare workers as the super heroes that they are and we are using social media to care for one another in a way we haven’t been for a long time. These are scary times, people are dying, but this shall pass and one day this will be alright and we will be able to walk in the sun again. We will be okay and if you are reading this, I hope that includes you. Well this random bit of verbal incontinence is done, take care of yourselves.

 

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous

Getting back in.

This year, I took a bit of a break from blogging. It wasn’t intentional, just life sort of gets in the way and all that. Time gets away from you.

Over February, I managed to get back up to date with Pilot Era , but nothing new has been come up with since then. I wanted to get back into writing something, maybe something personal, maybe something geeky, but something nonetheless.

Then the f***ing world ended. The Corona virus has cut a swath across the world, affected countless people and more besides. The response from many nations has been a lockdown. 80% of staff aren’t there, doors are locked, so getting in and out is a pain and I have found my mental health suffering over the increased workload and the overall increase in bad news, frightening statistics and overall sense of gloom.

How can I write about comics and recent TV shows I have enjoyed when all this is going on?

I don’t know, but I can find out. As scary as this thing is and believe me it is scary. When I have colleagues in with me, they talk about how scary this is, the underlying sense of disquiet and impending disaster. For me, that’s a Wednesday. The one upside of all this is that I know how to function when I am afraid, when all seems bleak. I have had to teach Giselle and the Disney Princess about coping techniques, including one I have found most useful. Whenever you feel overwhelmed and the walls are closing in, stop.

Speak outloud: 5 Things you can see.

4 Things you can hear

3 Things you can feel

2 Things you can smell

1 Thing you can taste.

I have used this a couple of times, since this Corona Virus thing has been headline news and I was thanked for sharing it with my colleagues who have had no experience with mental health struggles. I suppose that is going to be the next big problem. We are going to be looking at something of a mental health crisis before too long. I have felt the edges of it encroaching on me, just as they did this time last year, but now I can see it and can talk about it and hopefully head it off, the MIGHTY Rosie and SuperSam have felt effects as well, but that’s not a thing to be discussed here. My parents are well as are my brother and his family, my sister-in-law and her kids and we are in touch often enough.

It’s a strange situation we find ourselves in, but even though we are locked away from one another, we are not. In this era of social media, we can reach out to one another, we can ask how each-other are. We’ve seen sing-songs across streets, I took part in a virtual pub quiz a week or so ago and a dozen or so things aside. We feel the absence of community, but is it absent? Or has our sense of what community is changed? We are isolated, we are socially distancing ourselves, but we can still talk to one another, we can still share our stories and remind one another of hope. This is not going to last forever, we will come out of the other side of this, with the knowledge of who is actually important in society. We forget about the people who make this world run, we pay them little, we ignore them and yet when a healthcare crisis occurs, they are there.

Every Thursday at 8pm, we open our door and clap, a nationwide thunderous applause to those people on the front line of the National Health Service. Those underfunded and over worked souls who care for us, who heal us and provide aid even at their own risk. Seeing people do that, week after week has warmed my heart. I have seen people put notes through doors asking if we need things. In my own road, there have been students going home with universities closed donating the food they would leave behind to anyone who needs it. A handyman we know asking if anyone needs anything when he is out doing essential maintenance, so we can cut down on un-necessary shopping. I have read the news, seen the scum-bags who have used this crisis as an excuse to be worse, but I have seen so many people step up. Leaders fail to lead, but helpers have been helping. It’s been little things, such as printing colouring in sheets to send to people who we know that have kids to keep them entertained, face-timing with my son’s grandparents, because they miss one another and saying hello to anyone in the street, so we know we are not alone.

This is a scary time, can’t get away from that, but I genuinely believe that there is a place beyond this. I believe that this crisis will pass and we will get back to some version of normal. Maybe it’s because I need to believe that, but I believe it nonetheless. We are locked away from one another, but we are not alone. We will get through this, if you are person reading this, that means you. It is these scary times that show us who we are and who we need to be. We need to be physically distant, but socially? No we need to remind one another that we are there. If there is anyone who you can think of that you haven’t heard from in the last few days, a call or a text might mean so much more than usual.

To all those on WordPress, thank you. You have been here for me when I have needed you, something to read, a response when I have read or even just reminding me that I and my family are not as alone as we think. I have rambled, but I need to say something, to not allow this part of my life to go dark. We need to do the things that make us smile, to remind us that we still can. My favourite podcaster on his excellent show Palace of Glittering delights always ends it the same way. “It’s all going to be alright.”

You know what, I think it will be. We can look out for each other, we can care for one another and can love one another.

Now I have rambled enough, I am going to go and give the MIGHTY Rosie a cuddle, like I said do the things that make you smile.

 

 

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday 15: Forward is the only direction

I am not in work today.

There’s no childcare issues, no illness and not even time with the MIGHTY Rosie.

No I am off work because I had some teeth taken out yesterday. At three o’clock I was in a chair and doped up. It’s been the culmination of quite a weird week.

It started on Friday with an interview at the Asperger’s dept of Liverpool Hospital. I was there with my mother, since she has known me as both boy and man. I was there because I am not always the man I should be and about a year or so ago, I was not doing my best. It was suggested that I look into where I might be on the autism spectrum. I don’t know that I agreed, but in the cold light of day, I can see what my wife meant and even at my worst I respected her insight into my state of mind, since I couldn’t always trust that I saw things clearly. I forgot about it after that, until December when the referral came through. I moved it to when it was more convenient and went on Friday.

It was a long and drawn out interview, I and my mum had to answer lots of questions, on a wide variety of topics. It left the interviewer with the clear indication that I was not at the diagnosable part of the autism spectrum. So clearly I am just an arse.

One thing did come up though, there was a time when my mental state changed, which caused my self esteem  and confidence to suffer. At 12 years old I went to a new school and that was an isolating experience, since all of my friends went to different schools. I made a couple of new friends, but by 15/16 they had turned their backs on me. I was told that I likely had something of  a depressive episode that caused what I was informed something of a lost decade. The transitional period between 15-25 didn’t pan out for me quite so well and I went from a well balanced kid to a withdrawn and depressed one. I didn’t know, no one did and to be honest, withdrawn and moody doesn’t seem alien to anyone who has a teenager in their family does it? I was coming out of it in the years before I met the MIGHTY Rosie and more mental health stuff has happened since, but that was a bit of a bombshell to hit both me and the woman that raised me with.

It answered questions and raised others and  I may spend more time since dealing with this and unpacking it all, but it reinforced that I truly did grow up in a house full of love and support and that’s not changed, my mum and dad are there for me even now I live across town with the family I have made since. It also shows me that I still live in house full of love as all I have had is support from the MIGHTY Rosie and I am in a better place than I have ever been before. There’s nothing to change because of this and all it’s done is make my past clearer, it’s excused nothing or given me anything to blame. I don’t want that. The reasons that I had this referral are being addressed and  I am more engaged with my life than before and the MIGHTY Rosie and I are more of a team than ever, but it was touch and go for a while and have had to put the work in. Love is really easy to be in, but relationships aren’t, you really do need to do the work and let those you love know that you love them. Not in word, but in deed.

That should be enough for some, but I had to add some shit on there. After years of putting it off and years more of neglect, I have finally sorted out appointments to sort out my fucked up teeth. Yesterday, several of them had to be removed. I have only myself to blame there and it’s my fear and shame that have prevented me from getting this done earlier. As time went on, this fear grew bigger and it eclipsed the health benefits of getting this sorted, as well as being able to smile again, freely and wide.

But as I have faced everything else, I faced this too and finally made the appointments. Most people won’t see this as a thing and will be amazed that I ever let myself get in such a way that teeth would need removing, but I can only be who I am and can only have done what I did. This was my owning up to my failures and facing my fears. I did it for the MIGHTY Rosie, who needs to see a smile she once knew. I did it for my son, so he can see what facing your fears looks like, what owning up to your problems looks like and what can happen if you don’t look after your teeth. But really, above it all, I did it for me.

I don’t deserve to live the way I have made myself live and I needed to get this done, now I have pain and swelling in my mouth, but this feels so good to have done. I have another appointment in two weeks and then I have to go through the process of false teeth to restore my smile. I have a lot more work to do both physically and mentally, but doing this makes all of it seem doable.

I could not have done any of this without the MIGHTY Rosie, my parents or SuperSam.

There’s more to be done, more to be said and I want to thank you internet people for being here when I say it.

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous

For the Me in Me, 2019 was a challenge.

Well that was a year.

It was a decade too, but I am not going to be all “look at the decade as a whole” about it.

It’s been hard, there’s no denying that, but there’s been ups as well, since I need some kind of structure I am going to break it down into categories.

Work

Work has been a hell of a lot of ups and downs. After a very stressful year last year, we lobbied for a new member of staff to work with Gisele (the Dept Manager), Trouble (credit control) and me, finally we got Disney Princess, the sister of one of the directors. It was great to have someone working with me doing the same job. The problem is that the workload has increased, so we are still as stressed as ever, but now we are 4 and not 3. But I have noticed that the atmosphere is better up here. We have more fun, have a laugh together and the year came to an end with more ease than the last two. Work has been difficult this year, but it ended well, a fact for which I am grateful.

Well apart from the fact that I was locked in the office on the day we broke up for Christmas and everyone had gone t’pub. Not my favourite moment.

Family

This has been a game of two halves in that respect. My mum and dad and I have got on better than we have in a few years. The therapy I had in 2018 cleared a lot of my negative feelings about them and I was able to see them as they are, just two people trying their best with those they love. At 9, I had a grandmother who had 19 other grandkids and no grandfather as he had passed away. SuperSam has a pair of devoted grandparents whom he loves to spend time with and who are more than happy to spend this time with him.

Speaking of SuperSam, he finished year 3 and it was a rough one. We’ve had bullying and also the aftermath of losing our dog last year. But he pulling himself up and got through it with help and his own determination. Our new dog Loopy Lottie has helped with that and seeing him come back to the happy boy we knew has been so wonderful as it was having a great Christmas with him.

The MIGHTY Rosie and I have had ups and downs this year. I’m not always the man I should be, nor the one she deserves and there’s been many a time where that fact had to be addressed. But we had ridden through this particular storm and I need to work hard to make sure that the next one, isn’t one of my own making. I love this woman, always have and can see no reason how I would ever stop in my lifetime. Being away from her in November just reminded me how much I missed them and I came home early just to see them.

Mental Health

I think this has been one of the hardest years since my breakdown in 2013.

Back in May, I had a ‘wobble’ and it was terrifying being back in that place. It followed stress regarding work and family and it took me a while to get back to where I was.

Once more I have to thank the MIGHTY Rosie for everything she did and for taking off the kid gloves when I needed to be told some harsh truths.

I’m still struggling, maybe I always will, but I am still here.

Triumphs

I am still here.

That may not be much of a triumph, but it seemed a shaky proposition a couple of times this year. This year highlighted that most of the problem lies with me. I enjoy my job more than half the time. I love my wife, the always amazing MIGHTY Rosie and my son SuperSam who never fails to make me proud. I even love the dog 🐶 and enjoy my nightly walks with LoopyLottie. I like my life, it’s just me I can’t stand. So maybe this year is where I change that.

But apart from that, I have had many ups this year. I have made progress regarding my teeth, a sore subject that has been an increasing problem and is now being dealt with. There was also fun to be had, we went to Scotland for the MIGHTY Rosie’s birthday and had an amazing time. I wobbled, regarding my mental health, but pulled myself back without medication and continue to battle these demons (with varying degrees of success) and am moving forward. I went to a trampoline place with SuperSam and enjoyed it, despite how badly it hurt my knee. I also went indoor skydiving, taking my dad and son and all three had a great time. It’s definitely something I want to do again. I also did the comic convention thing that I have wanted to, but lacked confidence to do and met a couple of industry people that were lovely and a couple of podcasters I am a fan on. I will go again, but I will be more discerning in future in terms of guests and my spends. The fact remains though, that I did it. I also managed to post weekly to my Pilot Era blog, which has been a nice little bonus here.

This year has been difficult, there have been many challenges and it looked as though this year did it’s best to break me.

But it didn’t.

I was glad to see the back of 2019, but I am not expected 2020 to be easier. It doesn’t get easier. You simply get stronger.

This is not the story of my fall, it is the story of my rise.

Thank you all of you, who have been part of my journey, a journey which is moving towards a hopeful tomorrow.

It’s now 2020, welcome to the future.

Posted in Comics n Stuff, Mental Health Struggles, Morevember

More-Vember 21st – Cheerful Question? (Belated again)

Marvel 30 Day Challenge Question 21 – Most Memorable Marvel Death

With so many to choose from, so very few mattering in any long term, I went with the one that surprised me

In the aftermath of the s**tshow that was Civil War. (It was, there was a good idea behind it and good stories to be told, but that series was not what it should have been) the assassination of Steve Rogers was an emotional capstone to that era. From his last words being to get the crowd safe, to the reveal of who the shooter actually was, this was moving and dramatic stuff and a story I re-read from time to time. He was always coming back, but that doesn’t stop this being great. I recently lent my copy of the trade to a family friend and now, I kind of want it back.

Super Sam’s answer.

Again, not one for him, so he’ll be back with the next one.

Other Stuff

Time to get back to taking care of myself. After a strong weight loss in 2018, I let my body slide, gaining weight and costing me self esteem.  And yet, am surprised when my mental health suffered. So now it’s time to rebuild. Started with my gym session yesterday and the setting of goals and marking of accomplishments. I will lose that weight, I will be the better version of me and I will be happier again.

This was yesterday’s gym session

Gym – 22/11/19
Ran 0.51 miles in 5mins
Close grip pulldown 10 x 45.4kg
Close grip pulldown 16 x 54kg
Incline Barbell 30 x 40kg
3 laps with the prowler 0, 5kg & 10kg on top

Back soon internet people

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday 14: Look, Up in the Sky

I am trying this thing now, this idea of doing things that make me happy, trying new stuff. It’s been going on a couple of months, I have seen comedy live, which I always enjoy. Spent time with my parents and planning a trip that I will be taking next month, but one of the biggest was something I did today.

 

 

I went skydiving. Now before I sound like I did something cool, it was indoor skydiving by a company called iFly. I did it in their Manchester centre with my dad and SuperSam. I have been anxious about it, especially since I was riding their upper weight limit. But it all went really well and three generations of my family went flying.

For obvious reasons, only sharing my flight.

 

I will be honest with you all here internet people, I am as awkward and graceless in the air as I am on the ground, but no matter what, filled with anxiety, battling depression, I still have adventures and still find happy moments. I have rarely been as proud of my son as him facing her nervousness and flying. I was able to get my dad involved and I saw him go from 60’s to 6 inside 60 seconds and that is yet another memory I treasure. My flight was exhilerating fun and a bizarre experience of being carried by someone else in places. If you are physically able to do this, then I recommend you doing so. It’s fun, safe and you get video and photo reminders of the experience. I am so glad that I did this and it’s a great way to end October.

 

As always, my thanks go out to the MIGHTY Rosie, who wasn’t able to come with us, but did encourage me to find these little adventures. I have my trip in November next and maybe a trip to Europe early next year, you know, whilst we can.

 

My fond wishes to you all internet people, go have your own adventures. There are reasons to smile, today this was one of mine.

TTFN

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous

Finally, some positives

Hello there internet people.

As covered in my last ramblings I was worried regarding an appointment. It was my teeth. I don’t really look after them, this has caused me no small amounts of shame and anxiety and is a source of tension in places. It’s one of my biggest things to do, that through fear and shame I have avoided. Yesterday I stopped avoiding it. There’s a good amount of work needs doing and I am not overly comfortable with that, but it is about time that I decided to deal with these things. To most this will be a minor achievement, but this is something to me, it’s the idea that my comfort and denial is not greater than my belief in myself, nor my value.

So anyway, I decided to point out some positives.

I was out a couple of weeks ago to see Dave Gorman, a comedian who does sort of lectures with powerpoint slides and had a great time with a friend. He too struggles with mental health and it was a positive for both of us to be out and having a laugh. Did the same thing on Saturday just gone with another comedian called Justin Moorhouse who is to be honest more than a little similar in appearance to me. Had a lot of fun, got my ticket signed and a picture with the guy who was quieter than on stage, but just as lovely a person.

(I am the one in the blue tee-shirt)

I have several reasons to feel less than great today, the anxiety yesterday has landed in my stomach and a cold I was fighting off hasn’t given up yet, but then again, neither have I. I could be at home wallowing, but am working (well not right now obviously) and will see the day out, even am off to the pictures tonight to see the Joker with my dad. I am doing okay and I believe that things can turn around for me. Our fears can be faced, our mistakes can be confronted and our days can be happier.

I hope you are all doing okay.

Every single person looking at this has helped me along this journey and I am not done yet.

Ttfn internet people am off to see about a dog.

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous

The feeling of dread

I am scared.

I have an appointment this evening, something I have been putting off for so very long. I’m dreading it and dreading the outcome and all that. The fear mixed with the shame and wrapped up in my old friend anxiety. Needless to say, right now I feel sick.

Here’s the thing, I know that this is not only irrational, but very much of my own making. Everyone’s response is “there’s nothing to be worried about” and then doing it is “important”. I know both of things are true and I know that this is all irrational. Never changes how you feel does it? So tonight I go, am taking SuperSam with me, mostly because I will keep my shit together in front of him. I have tried to rationalise, improve my positive mental state over it and last week I even sought help from a hypnotherapist. Yes, we are at that point. But 10pm last night, it all hit me at once. I know that this is the start of me getting this under control, I know that. But right now I feel anxious and full of dread.

But fear tells you that you can’t, fear tells you that you are alone. Fear lies.

I have been helped in this as with all of my journey by my amazing wife, the MIGHTY Rosie. She is my biggest booster, my conscience when I need one and the swift kick up my arse when I need that too. Recently I have needed the kick a bit too much. I am trying, but that’s hard to see on the outside.

Part of the hypnotherapy session was to give me a tool to cope and to keep moving forward. Well I remembered a mantra that I read years earlier.

“I can.”

“I must.”

“I will.”

This idea is stronger than my fear, my shame and my avoidance. This idea is bolstered by the love of my family and the knowledge that the better version of me that I want to be is a person who will do the things that scare him. So I will. I will show my son that fear can be conquered, because if I can show him, I will be able to see it myself.

We are stronger than we think we are, all of us.

That includes me.

That includes you too.

I will be posting something more positive tomorrow as well as context for this stream incoherent ramblings.

 

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous, The MIGHTY Rosie

Taking Care of Yourself

Hello again internet people

Back in May, I slipped back into the horror that was/is my depression. I handled it better this time, eschewing the medical side and going straight to talking therapy and the odd day off here and there. Now, on the understanding that I may need back up in a “not ruling out legal action against my workplace” way, I decided to get in touch with my local surgery and get what had happened on record. What I didn’t take into account was that this was a new doctors and the first time I visited any doctor since I hit my 40’s. Out came the need for blood tests and my blood pressure was taken. It was high.

Well no shit, I went in there about my depression and anxiety, which had been exacerbated by stress, it would be more medically worrying if I didn’t have high blood pressure. My new doctor, doing her due diligence referred me to a cardio clinic to get a 24 hours blood pressure monitor. So after a stressful trip to a different surgery and a couple of terrible days in work, my blood pressure averaged at higher than it should have been. So, after another visit to the doctor, aided by the MIGHTY Rosie now I am on blood pressure meds. I have a complicated relationship with doctors, they have helped and not helped in equal measure and I am not used to going for blood tests, or even an ECG, both things I had to do last week. So apart from high blood pressure, I have high cholesterol as well (doubtless due to a decade or two of neglect) and this whole things has made me really anxious. But here’s the thing, I needed to do this, I needed to take these steps and look after myself a little bit better, value myself just a little more and make this the start of me taking better care of myself.

Eating better is one step, then dropping my caffeine intake and a few other things like that, more cardio in my exercising and above all, less stress.  I think that will be the hardest thing, it’s been pointed out that I am a stress-head and negative in my thinking even on my better days, which have not been the last two weeks. Above all I want to give my thanks to the MIGHTY Rosie, without whom, I would not have got through this last couple of weeks as well, she remains the brightest star in my sky, so I always know how to find home.

It’s been a reminder that your mental and physical health are connected and both need to tended to, this I suppose is my statement that I am going to do that and that starts with my walking away from my desk and going to see my dog.

 

Ttfn internet people.