Anxious over Anxiety

I am in work.

That’s a big thing to say right now. Last week I couldn’t do it. I had to take a few days off and work on the house, because I couldn’t bear going into the office and dealing with the staff, the clients and the ever expanding workload. I did stuff around the house, started therapy again, went to the gym, even spent time with my now retired dad. There was even a weekend away (more on that story later) but as ever, the weekend fades into the week and I couldn’t avoid it anymore. So I went in, my stomach and my mind punishing for that.

After three hours in, I learned something. I was okay. I wasn’t happy, but I am a lot better than I was 11 days ago, when I was last in. I have been busy, I have spoken with my line manager and I am getting on with things.

Am I better? No

Is stuff still there tormenting me? Yes

Am I going to wallow? NO

I have options if work becomes to much again, but one thing I have learned is that most of what is going on is fear. Fear is robbing me of my time, fear is robbing me of my confidence and fear is pulling me away from the people and things that I love. But I will not give in to fear. I am in work, but I am okay. I will go home and will hopefully be okay. My demons are still there, but I know I can face them.

This is not the story of my defeat.

This is the story of my triumph.

 

Relapse

It’s been a long time since I have been here, but here I am again.

After a couple of months of teetering, I collapsed under the weight of all the shit in my head. My stress, my anxiety, a touch of middle-age crisis and all together with our old friend thanatophobia. I am having obsessive thoughts, dwelling in fear and self pity again and I feel broken again.

I don’t mind admitting to you internet people, this is my own particular hell. But there is hope. I have been in touch with a therapist recommended by my old therapist Paula (a wonderful woman, but am not going to Warrington to see her, so someone more local was needed) I have started eating healthier again (16lbs so far) and am doing everything I can to beat these demons that infest my mind.

It’s not going to be easy, it’s not going to quick, but I have beaten this before and will do it again, or at least do a more thorough job of it. As always I am supported by the MIGHTY Rosie and with her on my side, I feel I can do anything.

If you are going through a hard time yourself, I feel for you, but there is a place beyond this and with communication, help and the right mindset, these demons can be battled.

There is a place beyond this, every positive choice I make, is one step towards it.

That above phrase is stuck on my wall at work, I need it there.

There’ll be more to be said, but that’s not for today, today is about admitting that I am in a crisis and I need help. Sometimes we all do.

Take care of yourselves internet people, take care of each other too.