Hi there internet people.
It’s been a couple of rough weeks, it’s been a fortnight of despondency, struggle and fatigue for a dozen reasons wrapped up in things going badly. But as I write this (mainly because I am actually writing this) I realise that this fortnight is over and things are looking better. They’re not better, but they look it.
Some stuff came up in therapy this week, it was brought up by the MIGHTY Rosie and was in my mind as I went to therapy and it was the main thing on my mind, so it became the main topic of conversation. There’s details in this, which I am at present not willing to discuss, but in the end it seems like I haven’t really been doing feelings very well.
It’s a weird thing to say. I understand happy, sad, angry (no fucking question there) frustration (the millstone around my neck in more than one way) and so on, but the question became, do I experience them fully? Do I use them correctly? Can I express them well enough to be understood? I used to believe the answer was yes to all three. But I now realise that’s not really the case.
That realisation is both wonderful and horrifying in equal measure. I don’t like the intimation that I can’t fully embrace the human experience in a way I always assumed that I could. But then again, have I not always felt slightly out of place? A misfit? The outsider? Doesn’t that make a lot of sense there?
This may sound sad, like a man realising he is broken. But it’s not. For years I was approximating the stuff I should be living and repressing the rest, but now I realise what I have been doing, it just becomes another thing to change. In the last few years, I have learned despair, misery, fear, but also confidence, empathy and pride. This isn’t the story of my failure, though I know that it’s being written like that. It’s the story of my realisation that I have more to learn, new battles to fight and a new goal to aim for. This is not the story of my failure, far from it.
There’s a quote attributed to Winston Churchill about the second world war that this brings to mind.
“This is not the end, not even the beginning of the end, but it is perhaps, the end of the beginning.”
Time to be a functioning person, rather than the illusion of one.
This is the story of my victory.