Posted in Comics n Stuff, Miscellaneous, Morevember

More-Vember 12th – Back to work

Marvel 30 Day Challenge – Question 12: Favourite Weapon

With the plethora of options, from the Ultimate Nullifier, to the Quantum Bands, from Iron Man’s armour to the Ebony blade, the Marvel Universe is home to a lot of cool weapons, but for me it’s this one. Mjolnir

It’s versatile, able to be used as transportation, to control weather, at one point to travel in time as well as transformation of clothing as person. It’s powerful, able to do some incredible damage, using it’s control over storms and lightning. It’s also a big ass hammer. The best thing about it though, is the enchantments, we have the flying back to it’s wielder, the flight and above all, it’s inscription. Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor. It’s an atom bomb with a handle, but if you can’t use it wisely, then you can’t even pick it up. I may do a post on the many wielders of Mjolnir.

Super Sam’s answer

Captain America’s shield. When I asked, his answer was that unlike a regular shield, it had be thrown almost like a frisbee. It was going to be my choice, but he got there first, there are very few Marvel weapons so iconic.

Other stuff

Breaktime is over and I am back to the daily grind. It’s cold, but I am maintaining a positive viewpoint. This is going to be a good day and I am going to expect nothing less.

 

Posted in Comics n Stuff, Miscellaneous, Morevember

More-Vember 5th – Not a firework fan anymore

Marvel 30 Day Challenge: Question 5 Favourite Team.
Again a relatively easy answer. 

The first comic I remember reading was an X-Men reprint title and when I got into collecting, it was Jim Lee’s X-Men vol 2 #1. The themes of inclusion, found family and high stakes drama drew me in and the soap opera elements keep me interested for decades and when it’s well written, it still does.

Super Sam’s Answer:

Guardians of the Galaxy.


When pushed for an answer, it was simply the friendship between Rocket and Groot. I can’t really say anything better than that.

Ttfn Internet people.

Posted in Comics n Stuff, Miscellaneous, Morevember

More-Vember 2nd – a dislike of Bonfire Night

Marvel 30 Day Challenge Day 2: Favourite Villain

Again, this was not really a challenge, I went with one of Marvel’s earliest villains Doctor Doom

Debuting in 1962’s Fantastic Four issue 5 he was one of the first supervillains, being a character that could stand up to the heroes on a physical level. Victor Von Doom is that great villain that is so close to the hero, but just a little bit off. He wants the best for his people, he wants the best for the world and has  only the best of intentions. That all sounds pretty laudable and his only failing is ego. He genuinely belives the world would be better off if he was in charge and that he is the best person for the job, no matter what that job is. He is both compelling as a protagonist as well as a booable villain without any inconsistency in characterisation.

In Secret Wars (both of them) he was both hero and villain and fantastic in both roles. He is perhaps Marvel’s greatest villain.

Super Sam’s Answer – Doctor Octopus

Otto Octavius is Spider-Man’s nemesis, losing out to Green Goblin only by one act. He has got into Peter’s personal life, dogged him at every turn and at one time, actually replaced Spider-Man. None of that is the reason that my son picked him. His thought was the potential for comedy. Imagine that he was itchy and uses his tentacle to scratch it. Does he polish the arms, or wash them? What if he got stuck in the bath because of them? Must be a pain to get onto planes with them. It made us both giggle this morning and I liked that.

Other Stuff

Here in Blighty it’s near Bonfire Night (well that’s not till Tuesday) so for the last week, bell-ends have been setting off fireworks. To be honest, I stopped being interested in fireworks long ago. After the spectacle, it’s just standing in the rain looking at lights. It’s only been affected me this year, well it’s more affecting Lottie the dog. Lottie is anxious, she barks at people walking by, gets scared easily and as you can imagine only her second Bonfire night is not something we are looking forward to. But the fact that it’s been going on for over a week and that Bonfire Night is not till Tuesday makes every night that the fireworks are going off something of a living hell for her. Tonight has been particularly bad, with her reacting to noises several times. And it’s going to keep going for a while yet. So I have gone full circle and am glad a supermarket has stopped selling them and hope more do, because a member of my family can’t sleep and is scared a lot more than she should be.

If you have pets, my thoughts are with you and your little ones. Hope things are quiet by you.

Just wanted to get that out.

My love to you all internet people, be back tomorrow.

 

Posted in Miscellaneous, Morevember

Prelude to More-vember, my second attempt

Hello there internet people.

This time last year I decided to post something every day in an attempt to kickstart writing things again. I called it More-vember. I did several and then the family suffered a loss as our beloved dog Wilma died. It’s been a testing 12 months since then and there’s been more sad than glad in a lot of places, but I am determined to keep going, keep trying and to keep interacting with the world as myself. So I am doing More-vember again.

To give it a sort of structure, I decided to do the 30 day Marvel Challenge, which was something I found on Instagram.

Each day has a thing to post a picture of or write something about and I will use that, as well as try to add other stuff myself. It’s not a great or original idea, but I feel that it is a bit of unfinished business sort of thing and I would like to get to writing more frequently.

So as Halloween comes to an end and the trick-or-treaters have all gone home, I am looking forward to November.

I can’t promise quality, but it does seem that I am promising quantity.

TTFN Internet people, hasta manana.

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous

Finally, some positives

Hello there internet people.

As covered in my last ramblings I was worried regarding an appointment. It was my teeth. I don’t really look after them, this has caused me no small amounts of shame and anxiety and is a source of tension in places. It’s one of my biggest things to do, that through fear and shame I have avoided. Yesterday I stopped avoiding it. There’s a good amount of work needs doing and I am not overly comfortable with that, but it is about time that I decided to deal with these things. To most this will be a minor achievement, but this is something to me, it’s the idea that my comfort and denial is not greater than my belief in myself, nor my value.

So anyway, I decided to point out some positives.

I was out a couple of weeks ago to see Dave Gorman, a comedian who does sort of lectures with powerpoint slides and had a great time with a friend. He too struggles with mental health and it was a positive for both of us to be out and having a laugh. Did the same thing on Saturday just gone with another comedian called Justin Moorhouse who is to be honest more than a little similar in appearance to me. Had a lot of fun, got my ticket signed and a picture with the guy who was quieter than on stage, but just as lovely a person.

(I am the one in the blue tee-shirt)

I have several reasons to feel less than great today, the anxiety yesterday has landed in my stomach and a cold I was fighting off hasn’t given up yet, but then again, neither have I. I could be at home wallowing, but am working (well not right now obviously) and will see the day out, even am off to the pictures tonight to see the Joker with my dad. I am doing okay and I believe that things can turn around for me. Our fears can be faced, our mistakes can be confronted and our days can be happier.

I hope you are all doing okay.

Every single person looking at this has helped me along this journey and I am not done yet.

Ttfn internet people am off to see about a dog.

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous

The feeling of dread

I am scared.

I have an appointment this evening, something I have been putting off for so very long. I’m dreading it and dreading the outcome and all that. The fear mixed with the shame and wrapped up in my old friend anxiety. Needless to say, right now I feel sick.

Here’s the thing, I know that this is not only irrational, but very much of my own making. Everyone’s response is “there’s nothing to be worried about” and then doing it is “important”. I know both of things are true and I know that this is all irrational. Never changes how you feel does it? So tonight I go, am taking SuperSam with me, mostly because I will keep my shit together in front of him. I have tried to rationalise, improve my positive mental state over it and last week I even sought help from a hypnotherapist. Yes, we are at that point. But 10pm last night, it all hit me at once. I know that this is the start of me getting this under control, I know that. But right now I feel anxious and full of dread.

But fear tells you that you can’t, fear tells you that you are alone. Fear lies.

I have been helped in this as with all of my journey by my amazing wife, the MIGHTY Rosie. She is my biggest booster, my conscience when I need one and the swift kick up my arse when I need that too. Recently I have needed the kick a bit too much. I am trying, but that’s hard to see on the outside.

Part of the hypnotherapy session was to give me a tool to cope and to keep moving forward. Well I remembered a mantra that I read years earlier.

“I can.”

“I must.”

“I will.”

This idea is stronger than my fear, my shame and my avoidance. This idea is bolstered by the love of my family and the knowledge that the better version of me that I want to be is a person who will do the things that scare him. So I will. I will show my son that fear can be conquered, because if I can show him, I will be able to see it myself.

We are stronger than we think we are, all of us.

That includes me.

That includes you too.

I will be posting something more positive tomorrow as well as context for this stream incoherent ramblings.

 

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous, The MIGHTY Rosie

Taking Care of Yourself

Hello again internet people

Back in May, I slipped back into the horror that was/is my depression. I handled it better this time, eschewing the medical side and going straight to talking therapy and the odd day off here and there. Now, on the understanding that I may need back up in a “not ruling out legal action against my workplace” way, I decided to get in touch with my local surgery and get what had happened on record. What I didn’t take into account was that this was a new doctors and the first time I visited any doctor since I hit my 40’s. Out came the need for blood tests and my blood pressure was taken. It was high.

Well no shit, I went in there about my depression and anxiety, which had been exacerbated by stress, it would be more medically worrying if I didn’t have high blood pressure. My new doctor, doing her due diligence referred me to a cardio clinic to get a 24 hours blood pressure monitor. So after a stressful trip to a different surgery and a couple of terrible days in work, my blood pressure averaged at higher than it should have been. So, after another visit to the doctor, aided by the MIGHTY Rosie now I am on blood pressure meds. I have a complicated relationship with doctors, they have helped and not helped in equal measure and I am not used to going for blood tests, or even an ECG, both things I had to do last week. So apart from high blood pressure, I have high cholesterol as well (doubtless due to a decade or two of neglect) and this whole things has made me really anxious. But here’s the thing, I needed to do this, I needed to take these steps and look after myself a little bit better, value myself just a little more and make this the start of me taking better care of myself.

Eating better is one step, then dropping my caffeine intake and a few other things like that, more cardio in my exercising and above all, less stress.  I think that will be the hardest thing, it’s been pointed out that I am a stress-head and negative in my thinking even on my better days, which have not been the last two weeks. Above all I want to give my thanks to the MIGHTY Rosie, without whom, I would not have got through this last couple of weeks as well, she remains the brightest star in my sky, so I always know how to find home.

It’s been a reminder that your mental and physical health are connected and both need to tended to, this I suppose is my statement that I am going to do that and that starts with my walking away from my desk and going to see my dog.

 

Ttfn internet people.

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous

Anxious over Anxiety

I am in work.

That’s a big thing to say right now. Last week I couldn’t do it. I had to take a few days off and work on the house, because I couldn’t bear going into the office and dealing with the staff, the clients and the ever expanding workload. I did stuff around the house, started therapy again, went to the gym, even spent time with my now retired dad. There was even a weekend away (more on that story later) but as ever, the weekend fades into the week and I couldn’t avoid it anymore. So I went in, my stomach and my mind punishing for that.

After three hours in, I learned something. I was okay. I wasn’t happy, but I am a lot better than I was 11 days ago, when I was last in. I have been busy, I have spoken with my line manager and I am getting on with things.

Am I better? No

Is stuff still there tormenting me? Yes

Am I going to wallow? NO

I have options if work becomes to much again, but one thing I have learned is that most of what is going on is fear. Fear is robbing me of my time, fear is robbing me of my confidence and fear is pulling me away from the people and things that I love. But I will not give in to fear. I am in work, but I am okay. I will go home and will hopefully be okay. My demons are still there, but I know I can face them.

This is not the story of my defeat.

This is the story of my triumph.

 

Posted in Miscellaneous, The MIGHTY Rosie, Uncategorized

Who’s a good girl?

After the tragedy of losing Wilma the WTF dog, it became quite apparent that our family was now one that had a dog as part of it and that there would be no getting back to normal, without one. A few weeks after that realisation, the MIGHTY Rosie began perusing a re-homing website, on the idea that we would be getting a dog at some point. She saw this collie/retriever cross and just had to, since she had a similar dog once herself. There were no red-flags when we spoke to the people in question, several times in fact. But when we arranged to go get the dog, there were all kinds of things wrong, there was no mess, not a thing out of place (with a puppy in the house? ) and all the toys for this 8 week old dog were distinctly unchewed and it seemed to live only in the kitchen. None of these things are that suspicious, but when the MIGHTY Rosie went to pick this little puppy up, she leapt into her arms, as if trying to escape. This wasn’t a dog being taken to a new home, which we had dealt with before, this was a dog grateful for being saved. After a trip to the vet and a couple of eyebrow raising reactions from the dog we all came to the understanding she was from a puppy farm and she had not really been taken care of.

Whenever we gave her food (special food, since being a puppy farm survivor she hadn’t really a great digestive system) she wolfed it down, as though she didn’t expect to be fed later. Kind of getting angry as I write that down to be perfectly honest. Still, we bonded pretty much immediately and she quickly became a member of our family. We got a bit of an all clear from the vets over Christmas, our original plan was to not tell SuperSam that we were keeping her, in case there were some medical things that came to light. It was for the best, since we were all devastated by the loss of Wilma the WTF dog. So with the all-clear given, we left a scroll in the Christmas tree with a request for her to stay with us for SuperSam to read. The moment when he realised we were keeping the new dog may be the best moment we had at Christmas this year.

Well we’re now walking her, training her and from time to time spoiling her. We’re a family that has a dog and we were never going to go back to the way it was before. So my mornings and lunchtimes consist of bites and clean-ups and also someone being happy to see me when I get home. I get out of work and walk home to her at lunch, I walk her at night and as a family we are happier that she is there.

So much of this blog can be negative in the personal stuff I write, but now with the dozy 4 legged wonder at home, well it’s a happier start to the year. And we’ve been able to take a scared and malnourished puppy into a happy little dog who can sit and cuddle and also have her mad half hour of chasing nothing.

As for her name, it was apparently supposed to be Rosey, but we have only ever called her Lottie (Short for Charlotte) and now she’s home, home is a little brighter.

It’s a fact that took me till my 40’s to learn, but dogs make life better.

Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Miscellaneous

Blue Monday

Well internet people, Blue Monday again and the most ‘depressing’ day of the year is off to a cracking start.

After feeling pleased at the fact that our dog hadn’t broken another set of headphones, it turned out she actually had, since now they no longer charge. I’m going back to buying the cheap £4 off the internet, since buying nicer ones is a false economy, for reasons I am unable to do that just now, this is not an insurmountable obstacle to life, it’s still a frustrating start to a Monday. Rushing into work, I’ve been half productive and half not and the temptation to give in to the miserable weather, no money, stress at work and a less than relaxing weekend and feel down on this ‘bluest’ of Mondays.

But I am not going to. Is it miserable weather? Yes, but this is England, when isn’t it? Is the extra week before being paid make it feel like a longer month? Yes, but that’s hardly reason to panic. Is work stressful? Yes, but not as bad as December. Was it a less than relaxing weekend? Yes, but I spent it with my loved ones and there were moments of happy there. Playing Lego Marvel Super Heroes 2 with the MIGHTY Rosie, Super Sam wanted to watch the 1980 camp classic Flash Gordon yesterday morning (Which we did) and some times of all of us listening to music and being happy together.

So am not going to wallow, am going to go on my lunch, go home and when I come back to the office, will attack the day and get some stuff done. This is Blue Monday, but blue is the colour of my true love’s eyes, the skies over Crete and Salou and the waters in the best places to swim.  Blue holds no fear for me, I will be alright and you know what internet person reading this? So will you. If this is a Blue Monday for you, realise that it’s upwards from here. It will get better, it will be brighter and it’s only Monday once a week. After that, it’s closer to the weekend.

This was not a great start to the week, but it didn’t have to be, all you need is one positive about the day and you’ll have that at least.

TTFN Internet people, I’ve got a day to get back on  track.