Posted in Mental Health Struggles, Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday

Thinking Thoughts on a Thursday 15: Forward is the only direction

I am not in work today.

There’s no childcare issues, no illness and not even time with the MIGHTY Rosie.

No I am off work because I had some teeth taken out yesterday. At three o’clock I was in a chair and doped up. It’s been the culmination of quite a weird week.

It started on Friday with an interview at the Asperger’s dept of Liverpool Hospital. I was there with my mother, since she has known me as both boy and man. I was there because I am not always the man I should be and about a year or so ago, I was not doing my best. It was suggested that I look into where I might be on the autism spectrum. I don’t know that I agreed, but in the cold light of day, I can see what my wife meant and even at my worst I respected her insight into my state of mind, since I couldn’t always trust that I saw things clearly. I forgot about it after that, until December when the referral came through. I moved it to when it was more convenient and went on Friday.

It was a long and drawn out interview, I and my mum had to answer lots of questions, on a wide variety of topics. It left the interviewer with the clear indication that I was not at the diagnosable part of the autism spectrum. So clearly I am just an arse.

One thing did come up though, there was a time when my mental state changed, which caused my self esteem  and confidence to suffer. At 12 years old I went to a new school and that was an isolating experience, since all of my friends went to different schools. I made a couple of new friends, but by 15/16 they had turned their backs on me. I was told that I likely had something of  a depressive episode that caused what I was informed something of a lost decade. The transitional period between 15-25 didn’t pan out for me quite so well and I went from a well balanced kid to a withdrawn and depressed one. I didn’t know, no one did and to be honest, withdrawn and moody doesn’t seem alien to anyone who has a teenager in their family does it? I was coming out of it in the years before I met the MIGHTY Rosie and more mental health stuff has happened since, but that was a bit of a bombshell to hit both me and the woman that raised me with.

It answered questions and raised others and  I may spend more time since dealing with this and unpacking it all, but it reinforced that I truly did grow up in a house full of love and support and that’s not changed, my mum and dad are there for me even now I live across town with the family I have made since. It also shows me that I still live in house full of love as all I have had is support from the MIGHTY Rosie and I am in a better place than I have ever been before. There’s nothing to change because of this and all it’s done is make my past clearer, it’s excused nothing or given me anything to blame. I don’t want that. The reasons that I had this referral are being addressed and  I am more engaged with my life than before and the MIGHTY Rosie and I are more of a team than ever, but it was touch and go for a while and have had to put the work in. Love is really easy to be in, but relationships aren’t, you really do need to do the work and let those you love know that you love them. Not in word, but in deed.

That should be enough for some, but I had to add some shit on there. After years of putting it off and years more of neglect, I have finally sorted out appointments to sort out my fucked up teeth. Yesterday, several of them had to be removed. I have only myself to blame there and it’s my fear and shame that have prevented me from getting this done earlier. As time went on, this fear grew bigger and it eclipsed the health benefits of getting this sorted, as well as being able to smile again, freely and wide.

But as I have faced everything else, I faced this too and finally made the appointments. Most people won’t see this as a thing and will be amazed that I ever let myself get in such a way that teeth would need removing, but I can only be who I am and can only have done what I did. This was my owning up to my failures and facing my fears. I did it for the MIGHTY Rosie, who needs to see a smile she once knew. I did it for my son, so he can see what facing your fears looks like, what owning up to your problems looks like and what can happen if you don’t look after your teeth. But really, above it all, I did it for me.

I don’t deserve to live the way I have made myself live and I needed to get this done, now I have pain and swelling in my mouth, but this feels so good to have done. I have another appointment in two weeks and then I have to go through the process of false teeth to restore my smile. I have a lot more work to do both physically and mentally, but doing this makes all of it seem doable.

I could not have done any of this without the MIGHTY Rosie, my parents or SuperSam.

There’s more to be done, more to be said and I want to thank you internet people for being here when I say it.

Author:

Liverpool based family man and unrepentant geek, trying to understand what's going on in my own head, which is not always being a good place to be. Remember always, we live in a world of wonders.

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