I am scared.
I have an appointment this evening, something I have been putting off for so very long. I’m dreading it and dreading the outcome and all that. The fear mixed with the shame and wrapped up in my old friend anxiety. Needless to say, right now I feel sick.
Here’s the thing, I know that this is not only irrational, but very much of my own making. Everyone’s response is “there’s nothing to be worried about” and then doing it is “important”. I know both of things are true and I know that this is all irrational. Never changes how you feel does it? So tonight I go, am taking SuperSam with me, mostly because I will keep my shit together in front of him. I have tried to rationalise, improve my positive mental state over it and last week I even sought help from a hypnotherapist. Yes, we are at that point. But 10pm last night, it all hit me at once. I know that this is the start of me getting this under control, I know that. But right now I feel anxious and full of dread.
But fear tells you that you can’t, fear tells you that you are alone. Fear lies.
I have been helped in this as with all of my journey by my amazing wife, the MIGHTY Rosie. She is my biggest booster, my conscience when I need one and the swift kick up my arse when I need that too. Recently I have needed the kick a bit too much. I am trying, but that’s hard to see on the outside.
Part of the hypnotherapy session was to give me a tool to cope and to keep moving forward. Well I remembered a mantra that I read years earlier.
This idea is stronger than my fear, my shame and my avoidance. This idea is bolstered by the love of my family and the knowledge that the better version of me that I want to be is a person who will do the things that scare him. So I will. I will show my son that fear can be conquered, because if I can show him, I will be able to see it myself.
We are stronger than we think we are, all of us.
That includes me.
That includes you too.
I will be posting something more positive tomorrow as well as context for this stream incoherent ramblings.