Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles

Feelings on a Friday 34: More messed up, because I am less messed up

Hello there internet people.

I’m not doing so well today, I am in no way in crisis, nor should anyone be worried. This isn’t a cry for help or anything, but this has been something of a week and it’s worth noting that.

Here’s the kicker, I’m not able to go into detail about why I am upset, or it’s origin. It’s not really solely my tale to tell and some stuff is just a little too close to home to put here. Those who’ve commented and such has shown that you are compassionate and reasonable people, so I am sure that you can understand. It’s the emotional pain itself that has really become the focus.

I am not okay, but that in itself is okay. For a long time in my life, I put pain in a box and hid it away in order to function. I was often unhappy and at times angry, but the sheer weight of the pain was displaced and so it never really hit me as things should. I have spent the last several years trying to change that. To a significant extent I have done that, because I can’t put the pain away anymore. Shit bothers me like it never did before, I am made sad by things more easily and more sad as a result. The wall of dis-association that acted as my armour for many years is gone and that leaves me vulnerable. I don’t like feeling vulnerable.

But lets look at it another way, this is a positive step forward. A great unanswered question was answered and an elephant in the room exorcised. 6 Months ago this would have been a crisis, a risk of backsliding further into depression and being more withdrawn. But I am not, I feel this and I am glad I do. I’m not doing this alone, have a friend I can talk to from time to time, my trainer (the Fabulous Alistair) my wife (the MIGHTY Rosie) as well as a therapist who told me that I stay with her, when not in session and has offered a lot of encouragement in this more recent journey.

I am not okay, but that in itself is a sign of being more okay. What I feel right now will pass, regular life with appear more regular soon enough, but knowing that I am not alone and am stronger than I may have thought is comforting in a time when I need comforting.

That’s pretty much it, but I just want to add, to anyone who reads this, thank you. I mean that, knowing that my words have any kind of audience, even just one person, means something to me.

Also, the weekend I helped put up over 20 pictures in the hallway, all mementos from the last 10 years. It was a lovely reminder that there’s always been a lot more good than bad. Bad makes a splash, causes problems, but it’s the every day good that really matters, if you add up all the tiny positives in your day and look at the negatives, the positives will be more, but we often don’t see it. Sometimes it’s better than we think it is.

Bye for now internet people I’m going to try and get to 5pm and get my weekend on!