Hello internet people, this is going to get a bit personal.
Not been using this blog too much the last couple of weeks, haven’t really known what to say, so it’s felt that it’s better to say nothing. WRONG! Not talking only causes more problems.
I keep too much inside, I realise that. This past week has been something of a roller coaster. There was some family friction of Wednesday night (22nd) and I spiralled quite sharply. I am nostalgic for a lot of things, but I’ll be honest, the early days of my breakdown are not amongst them. I hit the gym and talked with my trainer and some perspective came. The weekend was also fraught, but after a long and emotional conversation with the MIGHTY Rosie, it came out that I have something holding back my recovery. Medication. It was the first part of my recovery, it came before everything else that I know have and I’m used to taking it, it’s not a thing that crosses my mind too often. But after being on the wrong pills for 3 years and being on pills I’m not 100% sure I need since, it’s become a question of what good they are doing for me, against what side effects they are causing. Is the lack of panic and obsessive thoughts worth the general numbness? (*salutes* General Numbness!) and since the tablets I am on can’t actually alter my thoughts, what are they doing? So really it’s about being so scared of the obsessive thoughts and fears of death and the like, that I have avoided even considering stopping taking the pills.
So you see the dilemma, being off the tablets is the gold ring for where I am in life, but I am so scared of what will happen without them, I haven’t put thought into doing that. So what I did was talk to the MIGHTY Rosie, talk to my therapist and think about it myself and I am going to work on my obsessive tendencies and unhelpful thoughts in therapy for a couple of weeks and then go to the doctors and tell them, not ask them, tell them that I want to reduce my tablets with the goal of cutting them out all together. I don’t mind telling you internet people, I am afraid. I suffer depression and anxiety, scared is not hard to get to. But then again, the tablets and the thoughts being there, they are an obstacle to overcome, an opponent to be beaten. This is no longer a storm to endure, but a battle to fight. I like that a lot better. I have people in my corner and I am now determined to move this forward.
This is a scary process, a long process, but I am confident that it’s one I can get through. My self hatred is strong, my overthinking is strong, but my stubborness, my spite? They are Mighty!
In other news….. I have finally killed my twitter account. While I have promoted this blog on it, I’m getting nothing out of it, so there’s no reason to keep something trivial that fails to bring me any happy. I have also stripped down one of my alternate blogs https://liverpoolmunky76.wordpress.com so that I am no longer sharing these posts there. Since I have the need to write pointless stuff, I have realised that most of my favourite comics/stories/characters etc seem to have their genesis in the 1990’s, I have started another blog http://90scomicsforever.blogspot.co.uk/ where I can talk about them, rather than here.
I don’t have too much else to say, but I will be saying more stuff, putting words to paper have helped me so much this last few years, I need to keep doing it, feeling it or otherwise, so expect more random and incoherent mess soon.
As always thanks to the MIGHTY Rosie, who keeps me on the path and anyone who reads this.