Hello there internet people.
Took a bit of a break from here, time issues and emotional stuff, but I feel I should post something.
It’s been a rough ten days.
Had a therapy session on the 30th and lots of stuff came up and continues to come up. I’ve repressed for so long that no longer doing that feels so incredibly strange. I now get choked up over a song, which has never happened before. Lows seem lower, but the positives seem ever so much brighter. I feel a bit all at sea, but realise that this is some form of progress. It’s made the struggle I feel, seem more like a struggle. As part of the writing course that I am doing, I wrote a piece about the bad days. How a day in my life can go. It all just poured out of me, onto the page like some form of exorcism of typing. I heard nothing from the tutor, till it was read out to the whole group, since mine was the next to last one, and am one of only three men in the group the whole “no one will know whose is whose” defence didn’t work and watching everyone as the worst side of my day was laid out before them was … uncomfortable. But afterwards, many people said how it was enlightening and powerful. There were criticisms of course, but mostly constructive. I was compared to a solider, but I found that a little uncomfortable too. The words used were a soldier fighting a war no one knows about, against an enemy no one can see. Kinda reminds me of the song Marlena on the Wall, but that’s just me. It reminded me how exhausting some days can be, how heavy it leaves you feeling. Now I am feeling it more, or maybe noticing how much I was always feeling it, without the filter of repression.
But here’s the thing, I don’t feel low. I’m having a bad day, that’s a given at this time of year, but you know what? Don’t care. Christmas is coming, both the day itself and the two weeks around it where I don’t have to be in work. The two weeks where I am husband and father and me, all wrapped up into one. Today started off badly, it got worse..BUT I still find positives, like moving the Elf on a Shelf around at night and watching my son see what the elf has been upto while he is asleep. Seeing everyone get ready for the weekend and feel a bit happier, music playing in work and feeling like I am making progress. I dropped a tin of sweets into work today, not for the first time this week. I don’t have to allow how I can feel to dictate what I do. I am going to win today. You are going to win today.
The news tells us all about how shitty the world is and how bad things are and how hope is pointless and all that shit. But it doesn’t have to be true. Yes there is bad, yes it gets some more press, but that’s not who we are. No one is just how they are on their worst day, we are more. You are going to win today.
What I am going to do now is finish strong at work, get some shit done and go and enjoy my weekend. I am going to win today.
Every day can be a victory, every day is a win. Including today.
When the days don’t feel like a victory, MAKE THEM A VICTORY.