Had this awaiting me at my desk this morning. You’d think I’d be happy, touched at the effort and good feeling that would lead to something like this.
You’d think so, but you’d be wrong. I felt uncomfortable, awkward and wanted nothing more than for the ground to open and swallow it up, or me. I got a bollicking on Tuesday, that was easier for me to deal with.
Now it’s not being 40, getting to the middle age bracket and realising maybe half my life is over is not really my favourite thing to think about. But that’s not it, it’s not that I’m feeling my age, or anything, am still alive. No, it’s because someone has made a fuss about me. I don’t expect it and any form of attention in a social setting makes me feel uncomfortable. How fucked up is that? I can accept getting told off for shit that is not my fault, but a card for a big birthday feels wrong? But that’s where I am.
I have been back in therapy and have learned some of the precepts of transactional therapy (or TA) and it’s view of ego states. Stuff we learn or pick up (the Parent state) the moment we are in (Adult state) and the stuff that makes us feel the way we did about things when we were a child (surprise, the Child state) and these ideas are helping me to identify when I see things in the wrong way. Today definitely had a child state moment as I felt very much like I did as a child, we never wanted a birthday party. It’s a positive step to be able to identify this sort of thing, but it doesn’t exactly make me feel very good about myself.
I’m 40 tomorrow, maybe it’s time to be ok with people who aren’t my wife and son (the MIGHTY Rosie and the irrepressible SGM) treating me well. They tell me I deserve better. I am trying to believe that.
To anyone struggling with their mental health, anxiety or otherwise. Keep going, you’re not going to win every day, but you can move forward. Today is a bit of a struggle, but it’s not going to beat me.
Ta ta for now internet people.