It’s been a week and a half at work, have spent most of this week stressed and tired, or not sleeping and stressed. I had 12 minutes of lunch on wednesday, which got me into trouble because I ‘Took an hour and a half off on the busiest day’, well the time off was for therapy, so there’s that. I can see the point, I really can, they didn’t know it was only 12 minutes, they assumed it was 42 minutes most likely and felt I was taking the piss, I was angry at the time, but have made the time up from that day and there are more things to give a shit about.
Therapy itself was good, am letting go of some of the unnecessary stuff in my past, other people’s expectation, my own sense of failure and all that. Truth is, you can’t fail at something that you don’t want, or don’t decide to do. The only real decision with consequences that I made was most likely to marry my wife (the Mighty Rosie) still if you’re going to make a decision, that’s a good one to make. 😀 I never had a plan in life, just what I thought I should do, or what I was expected to do, I think that’s a common issue. We do what our parents want, or what they leave us with the impression they want, in the absence of our own ambitions, we default to what we know. I am not as repressed as I was and am learning to cut myself some slack. I’m making changes in my life, small ones now, but bigger will come, I have a great wife who loves me (weird woman) and a son, who I am so proud of. Both of them make me want to be a better me, both deserve that, the truth that they have tried to show me is, so do I. I haven’t failed, I have a job, a roof over my head, family love and a place in the world, failure sure looks like falling arse backwards into the best things in life doesn’t it?
Have shut down two blogs (or at least two regular features of blogs) and I feel sad about it, but I know that better things are coming on that score. Work will settle down, home will improve and to be honest, I just wanted to mark the point that things are starting to get better. I may not be recovered from my depression, I may still have several deep-rooted issues, but I can look back and think, I’m doing better than I was.
We endure, that’s what we do. It helps when things seem to look better. Life is hard at the moment, but not because of who I am or my own messed up mind, but because there’s shit going on. But I have my feet planted, I have the Mighty Rosie at my side, I can do this.
If you are at a low point, remember this, we are stronger than we think, we are braver than we know and in the dark, amongst our demons are those things that make us who we really are.
“We have done the impossible and that makes us mighty!” a quote from the TV show Firefly.
If you think of the odds of your birth, just of the random incalculable odds of who we are and how we came to be, the dangers in the world, just by having survived to this point to read this, you have conquered amazing odds.
You have done the impossible, you are mighty.