Posted in Feelings on a Friday, Mental Health Struggles

Feelings on Friday 9: Near bottom

I was called to an informal meeting yesterday, apparently I have an ‘attitude’. My personal faults were outlined one by one in great detail and the fact that I didn’t rationalise coming off as a prick was somehow a bad thing, whereas I have always felt that only a prick rationalises being a prick, if you’re trying to be a decent person, then what you do is apologise and try to make amends.

So I’ve not handled the stress of the last 6 weeks well, a side effect of my depression certainly. I went home to see the Mighty Rosie, who was unwell and just broke down in front of her (well dignity has become a luxury these last three years) as always she was there for me and I slowly picked myself up and went back to work.

That was hard, but I did it. I was then called into another informal meeting, where I was again detailed my faults, but this time given a written warning. Now that wasn’t nice, but at least I was able to counter what they were saying more and was able to give ideas how I could do better.

I don’t entirely blame them for what they felt they had to do, but it was a kick in the teeth I could do without. I was left reeling and that feeling of having to pick myself up once again. I’ve got too relaxed around them, no longer feel like the outsider. Maybe that’s my mistake, people act friendly and so you consider them friends, but that’s not the case, I have a great rapport with one of the directors, but have been reminded he is not my friend.

It’s been a week of unpleasant reflection, but after talking with my wife (the aforementioned Mighty Rosie) and my trainer Tom, I have come to the conclusion that my job doesn’t need to make me happy, but I don’t have to let it make me unhappy. I’m not trapped, I need to think about what I want to do about this. In the meantime, smile, make nice, cheerful through gritted teeth. I need to pretend I’m a normal person happy to be there. I certainly don’t qualify as either. They’ve been no help since I’ve been going through this, paying lip service to being there. When I first had my breakdown, I was amazed by how many people wanted to help, but I now realise that it’s they wanted to be seen to want to help. Mistake made, lesson learned and now it’s time to get on with this.

Positives: I was taking my son to school yesterday, he was behaving and I told him he was a good boy.

“You’re a good daddy.” was his response, I can’t say how much I needed that.

This morning he told me a joke

What kind of bees make milk?

Boo-bees

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Author:

Liverpool based family man and unrepentant geek, trying to understand what's going on in my own head, which is not always being a good place to be. Remember always, we live in a world of wonders.

3 thoughts on “Feelings on Friday 9: Near bottom

  1. I had no idea you suffer with depression. You’re one of the nicest, honest, and sincere WP friends I have here. Hang in there my friend. I adore you & the Mighty Rosie although we’ve never met. Maybe a change in the job situation might help. Possibly something to think about. Happy you had that precious moment with your son. 💙

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