I’ll be honest, this isn’t one of the good days, have spent the last 3 or so days suffering what feels like an extended panic attack. My head all full of morbid and nihlistic thoughts, stress on my mind, my failings, my inadequacies, it’s all falling on top of me, it feels like the progress I have made in the last two and a half years does no exist and I am struggling not to break down in tears.
Like I said, not one of the good days. Bringing up all the shit that kicked this depression off in the first place was in the short term, not a very clever move to make. That said, I am holding it together, BARELY, but I still am, my son is in school and doing fine, my wife is in work, where she has people around here and I am surviving.
Positives are that I went this weekend to the Lakeland Wildlife Oasis, a mini-zoo in the middle of west fucking nowhere Cumbria. It was a Groupon and I saw for the first time Fosse, Cavvy, Swinhope Striped Squirrels, Golden Pheasant, Brown tailed Lemurs and their star attraction, a pair of Snow Leopards.
I was half an inch of perspex from these wonderous creatures, which spell bound me, my wife and my son. I have spent so long in fear and despair, but every now and again, I get some moments of joy. That is why I refuse to give in to despair now, because I have seen joy and I want to see more.
This is not a happy, interesting or even coherent post, but I need to get some of this stuff down and maybe out of my head, I started with obsessing about mortality, then obsessing about obsessing about it, then obsessing over how it’s making me feel. I need to get some stuff out, because this is no real way to live. I have asked for help, I am not where I was and I am going to get better. Damn, I wish that it felt like that more.